Ever wondered how some of your friends seem to be experts on everything? Do you ever scroll through your timeline and see your friends boldly defending their stance on a subject that you know they just learned about? Do you ever wonder how these people turn into such masterful experts in such a short period of time? Do you too want to learn how to quickly know everything about anything?
Well, then today is your lucky day, my friend. In this article, I have laid out a step-by-step plan that will transform you from a lame internet casual to an obnoxious know-it-all. If followed correctly, this plan is sure to slowly turn you into the most annoying person on your timeline guaranteed!
Step 1. Pick a topic the world just started caring about.
This is where all the great internet experts begin. This may seem like a no-brainer for the first step, but you'd be surprised how many people go wrong here. The important note here is to pick a topic that everyone cares for. How will you start fights with strangers online if no one cares what you're talking about? Topics like Kanye West, Caitlyn Jenner, or a gorilla in a zoo are all great subjects to get in on. Things like genocide, modern day slavery, and the slow destruction of our earth are all way too boring. Nobody really cares about stuff like that. They'd much rather hear you talk about a Kardashian or who the best basketball player is. (Spoiler alert: It's LeBron.)
Step 2. Immediately form an opinion without any further information
An important part of being an internet expert is being quick on the draw. When a new story comes out, you want to immediately get your opinions online so you can claim rights as one of the first people to comment on it. Many times a big story will only be relevant for about a week before people stop caring, so it's crucial to get in on it as fast as you can. You don't have time to make a google search and take ten minutes to actually read into a subject, you have to act quickly and form an opinion as soon as possible.
In this case, ignorance is truly bliss. That one news clip you saw on Twitter was more than enough information to go on. We all know how completely unbiased and factual internet news clips can be, so it's pointless to try and read more into a story. You know what they say; early bird gets the retweet.
Step 3. Be incredibly closed-minded to outside opinions
This part is absolutely crucial to your success as an internet expert. With any big topic that comes up there are always two sides; your side and the wrong side. Those on the wrong side will constantly try to attack you and your bold, un-researched stance. The wrong side never likes to play fair either. They will come at you with horrors like "factual statistics" and "scientifically proven information." You must remain strong and not let them get to you. You've already formed your own opinion, you don't need them coming in with their real life Ph.D.s and their lists of reputable references. You decided in the first five seconds of hearing the story what you believe, you are clearly right and they're undoubtedly wrong. It's that simple.
Step 4. Fight with strangers online
This is it, the step we've all been waiting for. This is where you get to show just how cool and smart you are online. A truly great internet know-it-all will constantly be scrolling through their timeline looking for someone with the opposite opinion. You must be vigilant at all times. You can scroll by someone to argue with at any given second, so you must always be ready.
When attacking someone's opinion, it's much more important to attack them personally than it is to attack the actual subject. This may seem counter-intuitive to you, but this is exactly how it’s done. A true expert knows their right and doesn’t need to actually argue the subject. The real fight is who can come up with better insults.
Be sure to call them names and make fun of their appearance. You should also make comments about their family members as well. A great internet know-it-all is not afraid to make a few mom jokes here or there. Attacking their intelligence level is another great way to fight with someone online. Since you know their clearly in the wrong, it's safe to assume that they are much dumber than you are. Be sure to degrade their opinion by calling it stupid or idiotic, even if it's backed by real facts and yours isn't.
During an internet fight, it's encouraged to grow a strong hatred for the individual you're arguing with. You've never met this person before, but because they feel differently about one particular topic they are now your mortal enemy and you should wish nothing but hell on them. This strong hatred will also help you attack them personally much easier.
One final note to make is that you must always be the last person to comment. If you let them get the last word in, you've essentially lost. This can make the argument last much longer than you intended it to, but it is critical to your success to make the last comment. A truly dedicated internet expert will stay up until the following morning to make sure they get the last word.
And there you have it. Four simple steps to become an internet expert. If you follow all of this closely, you are sure to become one the most obnoxious individuals on your timeline. You will slowly start losing friends and followers all while racking up some good ole' invalidated self-confidence. You'll be surprised how good it feels to force your opinion on others and constantly degrade those who think differently than you. So get out there and start spreading your nonsense around for all to read and remember, no matter what anyone says, you are never, ever wrong.
