Alright, you deplorable human beings, it's time to get serious.
You're at that stage in life where you have no disposable income and you're almost desperate (maybe you totally are. This is a judgement-free zone). Nevertheless, the urge to become probably one of the most-hated type of people is strong. We all know someone like this.
The moocher.
If they're good enough, they make you believe that giving them things is your idea. The deviant. These moochers are the type of people that society says don't work for anything and just skim off the backs of the hard workers of this world. However, I would like to propose an alternative, albeit unpopular, point of view: Moochers work hard for their bounty.
Do you know how much patience and psychological analysis goes into mooching? It's a lot. I am a self-proclaimed moocher. Ask my friends, especially Emily. This girl has put up with so much of my shit that I cannot express to you how much I love her. I'm in the mood to share my wisdom.
Here is a crash course entitled Mooching 101: How to Get What You Want In The Most Asshole-ish Way Possible.
1. Be Willing to Wait for It
Patience is needed if you want to mooch. You have be willing to feel out the situation, assess if your goal is possible, and wait for the opportune time. Good things come to those who wait, my friend.
2. Never Actually Ask for Anything
This might sound confusing at first, because isn't mooching about getting what you want from people? Yes, it absolutely is, but a successful, serial moocher knows to let people think it's their idea. This works especially well with considerate people or your friends. You can name drop some things that you like or have never tried before to plant the seed. This is where patience plays a big role. And then you wait for the other person to remember your subtle suggestions and act on it.
3. Act like You Weren't Expecting Them to Give It to You
Acting, my friends. Acting will get you far. There are various degrees of acting you could employ, as well. You could be on the low end, where you say that you've never tried something when you totally have, and it was so good that you want more but, like, you're not going to get it yourself. Or you could be on the high end, which involves a bunch of scheming and large webs of lies that I don't prescribe to. I am a low-level moocher.
4. Be as Pathetic as Possible
Now, this comes with a caveat. Don't be so pathetic and needy that it becomes repulsive. Then you'll never get what you want, or if you do, it will be out of annoyance, and that's never fun. So, you need to seem like some pure little delicate flower that has never done anything in their entire life, because if there's one thing that people love, it's introducing people to new things (or to put it in a more blunt way: corrupting people).
However, if you're one of those people that doesn't feel comfortable enough around strangers or acquaintances to mooch successfully and your friends are your targets, you can get a little more pathetic. They've seen you for who you are, so you don't need to save as much face. What you can do is get them talking about what you want. For instance, if it's food, ask what they're eating. What's that? I've never tried that before. Sure, I would love to try it. You are so great. Thank you. I love you. (Manners, guys. Use them.) Or, if you're into nonverbal communication, you could stare longingly at what you want until the other person gets the hint.
And those are the mooching basics. I didn't get free food all the time my freshman year for nothing. Special thanks to Emily and Kate, you guys are the best enablers a girl could have.
