Do you know what it's like to go bed being able to smile, close your eyes and talk without any difficulties, and wake up in the morning with half of your face paralyzed? Do you know what it's like to want to go out and want to laugh at your friends' jokes, but not be able to do it because you're too embarrassed to even let someone else look at you? Do you know what it's like to go to the doctor and hear him say the words, "It might go away in a month, but you might not gain full recovery"?

In March 2012, I went to sleep and woke up unable to move the right side of my face. I was scared to death; I didn't know how to look at myself in the mirror. I started to cry, because I thought I was having a stroke. I was so scared because I had never experienced something like this before. I went to the doctor and was told I had “Bell’s palsy,” which was something I had never heard of before. He said that he didn't know what had caused it, and therefore he could only say that it might go away in a few weeks, but that I might not recover completely. I spent days, weeks even, crying, crying and crying some more. It was so difficult doing daily things such as smiling, raising my eyebrow, pouting and worst of all I struggled to eat. I was the girl who was always smiling, always making jokes, always talking to others, but when this happened and I smiled or laughed I had to cover my face, because I was so embarrassed. I didn't want people looking at me, I didn't want them to ask questions I didn't even know the answers to. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me, I didn't want them to try to make me feel better, I didn't want to do anything, I just wanted my face back.

The days went by and I couldn't stop crying. My eye wouldn't shut which made it burn, and when I wrapped it I got a massive headache from only seeing from one eye. I regretted taking simple things like smiling and winking for granted. I felt ugly, I felt hopeless, I felt like the world was about to end. I missed being able to look through my phone without getting a headache. I missed being able to smile whenever I saw my crush walk by. I even stopped going to volleyball practice because I had to put my hair up in order to play, and I was too embarrassed to let people see me like that. After two weeks, I finally saw my face get better. I could almost close my eye all the way, and my face appeared pretty normal when I wasn’t making any expressions. I slurred my words for a bit, but people didn’t notice it much until I laughed or smiled, so I tried to not do that unless it was in front of a mirror when I was alone. I kept telling myself, "If and when I recover from this, I swear I will never frown again. If I catch myself frowning in the mirror, I will smile, just because I can." After three more weeks of being depressed and unable to be myself, I was finally smiling again. I was so happy that the palsy was gone. Little did I know, it was going to return...

In May of 2012, my face started to feel weird again. My left eye kept palpitating, and the left side of my face felt numb. This time I wasn't scared; I was frustrated because I knew what it was, I knew what to do, I knew what to expect, but I didn't want to go through all of that again. I kept trying to make expressions with my face, but I knew deep down that it was too late, that it was happening all over again. Bell’s palsy was supposed to affect people of all ages, but according to the Internet, it was more common in adults. If it said that people with diabetes and pregnant women were more likely to develop Bell’s palsy, then why is it that a 15-year-old was suffering from it again, when it had gone away for the first time less than two months ago? The doctors didn't have any answers for me, but they said that this time there was a bigger possibility for my face to stay like that. I remember listening to "A Little Bit Longer" by Nick Jonas from the Jonas Brothers, and crying to that song. Everyone kept telling me that I was gonna be OK; everyone said, "You just have to wait and believe that it will go away." But this time I saw little to no change after two weeks. This time I felt like I was stuck in a situation I couldn't even control. Fortunately, I got better, and it went away after two months. I promised myself to relax and not stress out as much, I promised myself to put my mental health first. I also promised myself to appreciate the little things more and to smile more often.

It's 2016, and I have forgotten about those promises that I made to my 15-year-old self. I'm stressing over classes and boys, I cry more often than not, I hate the reflection in the mirror, I'm forgetting how fortunate I am to be healthy and to be able to smile, talk and eat without difficulties,.I stopped appreciating the little things, and I started getting little to no sleep during the week. I've been putting other people first. I've been too concerned about others' well-being that I stopped caring about myself. As I sit here procrastinating on studying for finals, I can’t help but think about all of the turns, curves and flips that my life has taken in just the past four years. My life has never been filled with glam and glitz, but I’ve learned to take it in stride. All of the mistakes I’ve made and problems I’ve had in the last few years have dug me into a hole, and I've just learned to accept it, instead of finding a way out.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the present that we forget about our past. We forget about the promises we made to ourselves. We forget about all of those life-changing moments that define who we are. I got so caught up in my present that I forgot that the reason why I wear glasses is because since I had my eyes open when my face was paralyzed, they were unprotected and were slightly injured. I forgot that the reason why I was so happy months after my Bell's palsy was gone was because I appreciated myself and life more than I do now. Bell's palsy was probably the worst and the best thing that has happened to me. Yes, it sucked not being able to control the movements in my face for over a month, and yes, it sucked being depressed and isolated for all of that time. However, if it hadn't happened to me, I probably wouldn't be who I am, I probably wouldn't smile as much or talk as much and I wouldn't know when to tell myself to slow down and relax.

It's time to remind myself to be grateful for what I was given, and to be happy because although I might not like what I see when I see myself in the mirror, I'm lucky to be healthy, alive and to be able to control my body. I'm lucky to have recovered fully, and I'm lucky to be able to look at people and smile without having to cover my face, without feeling ashamed of how weird I look whenever I try to show emotions using my face muscles. I'm lucky to be where I am today, and I think of Bell's palsy as something that happened to me, but isn't part of me anymore.