My mother is Jewish and was raised Jewish, while my father was raised Catholic. Here is a conversation I had at a young age with my friend:

"I am Jewish" I would tell my friends.

"But, you're really half Jewish, because of your dad."

"No. I may celebrate Christmas, but I am fully Jewish."

"But like - you're half because your dad is Catholic..."

I am Jewish. I am a Jew. But what does that mean? I have never been quite sure, to be honest, and I think a lot of people out there may feel similarly about their faith and identity. Let's be real: what your faith means to someone varies from person to person. It will never be the same for everyone. Within this piece, I will explore what it means to me to be Jewish, and I hope that some of you can relate.

To start off, my grandfather was one when he and his family fled Calsruhe, Germany, during the start of World War II. From the start, I am a product of the Jewish religion and it's history. I am a product of the Holocaust. For this reason, I am deeply interested in the history of Jewish religion and culture, along with the process and act of genocides.

I knew at a young age I was conflicted as to what I believed in with regards to my faith. Growing up in an interfaith family was not the reason, though. I began Hebrew School at the mere age of seven, while in first grade and 'dropped out' in 9th grade. While many of my teachers were great, I absolutely dreaded going. My class was full of students either excited to learn, or jumping off the walls and screaming under tables. It was for the social aspect that I went when I was older, mainly. Most of our classes were devoted to teachers yelling at us to behave. We were encouraged to adopt the values of the Torah, but when told about the stories, I always wondered if they were real. What actually happened back then? Why should I just accept what you're telling me? How do we know all of this actually happened?

I do not believe angels exist, and I do not believe there is a God. How can there be a higher power controlling our destiny, our fate? Plus, if there is one, how do we know it is a ‘he’? Don't take this the wrong way though, because I certainly respect and try my best to understand others' beliefs in God. Perhaps there is an order to the natural world. After all, we are creatures of the natural world with the ability to separate our actions from others with our ability to reason and freedom to decide what is best for ourselves. While I like the idea that we have spirits within us, and that our character may be separate from our physical bodies, I do not necessarily believe we are awaiting the messiah, or someone to lead us back to the Holy Land. If I don’t necessarily believe in all of this, what seems to be the foundation of Judaism, how can I be a Jew?

I have grown up chanting the prayers in temple of ‘Praise God’, ‘God is our Creator’. I love the prayers. I love how the Hebrew rolls off my tongue, I love the sound and tune of the prayers, and I love the vibrations felt from the synagogue as everyone chants together. It is a sense of belonging, but how can I feel a sense of belonging when I do not know whether or not I mean the words I am chanting?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. But what I do know is my truth, which is this:

1. It is comforting to believe everything happens for a reason. Whether I actually believe this or not, I am still unsure.

2. It is comforting to believe a person’s spirit (also sometimes considered a soul) lives on after death. This I believe more firmly.

3. I feel at peace with the traditions of lighting the Menorah, sitting around the seder table during Passover, chanting and singing the familiar prayers and songs at temple.

4. I have enjoyed leading our Shabbat Renas (a monthly Shabbat service led entirely through music – singers, and instrumentalists along with the Cantor) in the past, with many talented musicians.

5. My favorite parts of the services, especially during Shabbat Rena, is the time to sit with myself and acknowledge the reality. I like to self reflect, and take a moment to be present.

6. I love the values of the Jewish community. We love food, we love to give to those less fortunate. We value education, hard work, and honesty. We value acceptance.

7. I love going outside to reflect and be with nature.

8. I love to learn about the history of Judaism

9. I love and am entirely open to learning about other religions, and their beliefs and practices.

10. There is an instant and automatic understanding and connection between myself and other Jews.

11. My favorite part of the services at my temple is when our Rabbi gives his Sermon (speech) and I can relate to it because I do not necessarily have to believe in God, but I can take the values of the stories within the Torah and apply it to my life.

So when I ask myself why I like Judaism, and how I can call myself a Jew when I may not believe all that the Torah has to offer, or even my fellow Jews, I remind myself of my truth.

Judaism, and religion is general, is more than what the scripture has to offer. It is a life style for me, and for a lot of us. I, like many others, am a product of my religion. A product of our religious history. Judaism is a community and a culture I was born into, and a community I will continue to be a part of. I will take away from Judaism different values, and continue to provide for others. I will learn from others’ perspectives, and be open to experiencing or learning about different religions.

I am Jewish (and yes, I do celebrate Christmas). I am a Jew – an Exploratory Jew, if you will, but a Jew nonetheless. And I am still trying to make sense of what that all means.