All my life I’ve been surrounded by outstanding people. All my friends graduated in the top 10 percent of our class. My uncle was salutatorian of his class, and my other uncle is currently working on achieving his Master’s degree. My sister is extremely smart and is a gifted singer/songwriter. My dad’s side of the family is super athletic, and my mom’s side of the family seems like they’re all disciples of the writers in the Good Housekeeping magazine. And I’d say 90 percent of the people in my life make me laugh so hard my abs hurt on a daily basis (call me ditsy, but I swear I sometimes feel like I’m living with the cast of SNL).
So what am I like? I am average. And I’m not just saying that. Trust me, I have a healthy amount of self-esteem, and I like who I am. But I can’t say I’m particularly good at anything. For 18 years I tried to be “better”. I tried like hell to be a good runner (because I don’t have the hand-eye coordination for any other sport). But I wound up in the 75th percentile there. I tried so hard to be funny. But I wouldn’t think of the appropriate joke to make until I lied down to go to bed that night. I tried to crack the code to becoming the Advanced Placement Student of the Year. But I always fell a little short. And I did all the voice exercises I could find to try and become a better singer.
After 18 years I realized none of that was me. I subconsciously drifted away from my group of friends that made me feel like my voice was only heard if I talked extremely loudly or said something witty or “cool”. I started gravitating towards the people who wanted to hear my input, who noticed my silent acts of kindness, who wanted to know about me. Not that I need immense attention, I just hated being ignored.
If you are naturally funny, smart, athletic, or beautiful, I admire you. I am so happy for my old friends, trust me. I was never jealous of their successes, I just never wanted to feel like I had to keep up with them. Please don’t ever feel like you have to be wealthy, hysterical, or good at soccer to be friends with someone, because if you feel that way I promise you there are better friends out there. I stopped trying to perfect winged eye-liner and I started settling for the simple swish of my cheap mascara. I stopped running for my coach, my friends, and my family, and started running for me. I stopped raising my voice just so people would listen to me. And I stopped defining myself through my AP scores. I found people who were more laid back and saw me as my character, not my accomplishments.
It sucks that I had to lose some people to find out who I really am, but it had to happen. And I am positive they’re doing just fine without me. I found a man who really appreciates me. He is someone who makes me happy and someone I can make happy. I found friends that I can just hang out with, without having constant competition. I have the sweetest little family which I am eternally grateful for, and I found a school and a major that suits me so well. I realized it’s never too late to become a better version of myself. And I realized I don’t ever have to be the funniest, prettiest, loudest, or smartest person in the room. Average Anna is doing pretty well.
