Dating and courtship is a lot more complicated than it has to be. I have found the dynamic between high school and college romantic relationships to be very different. In the high school world, people often date for extended periods of time, from a few months to a few years. Entering the college world single provides a whole new perspective; the paradigm is essentially “are we going to do this thing or not? Because I’ve got stuff to do!”
Now, relationships are different for everyone, and there’s no one “right” way to have a relationship with someone, neither is there a “right” way to approach someone you want to be romantically involved with; there is an easy, fool-proof way to approach someone though.
Whenever a friend of mine comes to me for relationship advice, it usually boils down to the same thing: there is a lack of good communication. Good communication is the key to maintaining a good relationship, and it is also the key to starting a good relationship. Good communication thus culminates in this piece of advice: use your words!
Think about it like this: there is somebody cute in your class you want to get to know better. The first thing you should do is walk up, shake their hand and introduce yourself (if they don’t know you already). Then you should converse with them; find out what they’re really like. From this test, you may discover that they aren’t quite what you were hoping for, and then you can end your pursuit there.
If they are turning out to be all you had dreamed of, then at some point you’re going to need to ask them out on a date. Hopefully you have broken down any awkwardness barriers that may have been in place by getting to know them. This is probably the most difficult part of the process because we all are afraid of rejection. After all, we are social animals, and rejection is the exact opposite of what we want when it comes to approaching a potential romantic partner.
But entertain this notion: if you go out on a date, or get romantically involved with this person, you’re going to have to talk to them anyway. So why is asking this person out so difficult? Again, it’s because we naturally don’t want to be rejected. But honestly, what’s the worst that could happen? If I ask someone out and they say no, I’m not set back in anyway, I have nothing to lose. If they say yes, then you may break into your happy dance (but maybe not in front of them).
After you set a date, you both have to decide where you want to go, and what you want to do. The first few dates (five/six or so) should be used getting to know the other person, and deciding if this is someone you want to really be with. So since you’re going to need to talk, a play or the movies is usually not a good place for the first couple of dates. Go some place you can talk.
By this point in the process, most people know if this is someone they want to have a relationship with or not. The key is that both people must be respectful of the other’s wishes.
Honesty is important. If you decide you don’t want to be with this person, you have to use your words - don’t expect them to decipher anything. Thank them for their interest, but explain that you’ve decided you don’t want a relationship. If possible, answer any questions they have, and don’t be afraid to be honest. If you happen to be on the receiving end of the rejection, don’t take it personally. Human sexuality is a very complicated process. The best we can do is try to simplify it as best we can. Of course, this is why most of us have only a few serious romantic relationships in our lives; often, the number fits on one hand.
It may be hard, but honest, open communication is your best bet at getting together with someone you want. It’s not a guarantee that they’ll want to date you, but you’ll make your mind known before someone else does. Keep these following items in mind.
Don’t come across as thirsty, someone that’s so desperately in need of someone’s affection. It’s not a good idea to tell someone you don’t really know that you love them. That’s actually a pretty big red flag. I don’t care if you’re Natalie Portman, if you tell me you love me and we’ve never really talked before, I’m going to be pretty creeped out. That’s definitely a sure fire way to never win my affection.
Don’t continuously text/message somebody unless it’s obvious they enjoy and want to talk to you. You’re only going to become a nuisance when you continuously message them, and doing so is not going to make them like you any more than they already do or don’t.
Do introduce yourself and make eye contact when talking to the person. For me personally, I’m so busy with my own life that unless someone comes up to me and introduces themselves, I’m not likely to pay them much mind. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that I don’t actively search out for people to date. If somebody comes around that strikes me particularly well, then I may decide to introduce myself formally, but I don’t go up to everyone because I can get through this part of my life alone just fine. Dating somebody would be nice, but I can do without just as well. I can attest from personal experience that people tend to become way more attractive when you find out they like you. Another reason to make your voice heard!
Human sexuality is complicated, but dating doesn’t have to be. In the end, it’s best to follow the same advice we give to toddlers, “use your words.”
Couldn't have said it better myself, John!
