At this point in the semester, rules of the house have been clearly established. You have learned what to do and what not to do in order to avoid pissing your housemates off. What has also been established by now are house roles. These roles are the labels you have been pinned with based upon your typical behavior when you’re under your roof. But, which one are you?
“The Mom”
Preferably the role someone else assumes in the house. This is the housemate that is always making cookies, sharing their Halloween candy and already planning a Thanksgiving feast. They are the ones with their lives together, as most college moms do. Whenever you go to them with a problem, they soothe your worries and you walk away feeling a million times better. They could wear the Betty Crocker apron in the kitchen because their cooking is to die for. Their instincts are to make people feel better and swoop in with their metaphoric superwoman cape when something goes wrong or someone gets hurt.
“The Drunkie”
Otherwise known as the “light weight,” this person assumes the role of the house's entertainment. They are the ones that get drunk the quickest, typically after one or two glasses of wine and slur their words before you’ve even hit your power hour. Even though they always beat you to the buzz, they are the funniest people to hang around. They crack you up and are the most fun to pick on because they get worked up so quickly.
“The One Who Doesn’t Give a Rat’s Patoot”
This is the girl who cares for zero bullshit, the one who is the most blunt and makes you question why girls are ever passive aggressive in the first place. They are the most levelheaded in the house, almost to the point of being so even-keeled that it makes you feel bad for fretting over an outfit making you look fat or your sticky boobs not sticking because you’re so sweaty.
“The One Who Always Needs to go to Kroger”
Of course, this is always the girl that doesn’t have her own car. The one that debatably eats the most, or lets all her food go bad and is constantly needing a Kroger run, desperately. They also—conveniently—tend to be the person the most difficult to coordinate with on a time to go. They are always out of the house or on the complete opposite schedule, and when you go without them, you can expect some food to be stolen in retaliation.
“The One Who Is Never Home”
“YOOHOO!” ... ?
This person makes you question if you should say you actually live with 5 people instead of 6. They are either working, in class, at their boyfriend’s house, on a sports team or are never home enough to say you really live with them. No matter what hour of the day, you never expect to see them. When you do they fly in and out of the house in a brief
"The Cave Dweller"
Similar to The One Who Is Never Home, The Cave Dweller spends all of their time locked away in the confines of their individual four walls. They are the ones to keep their door shut and locked and are quiet enough to the point where you’re never sure if they’re home or not—until they need a potty break. They are the ones that The Drunkie and The Mom always wish would emerge more often and come bask in the sunlight.
"The One Who Leaves The Lights On"
Seen most often with The Drunkie and the least amount with The One Who Doesn't Give a Rat's Patoot, The One Who Leaves the Lights On is the one that is either alone in the house, or is the one to come home last who doesn’t think to lock the door and leaves the light shining right outside your room at 3 a.m. Not only does this person come in with spotlights glaring, but they also promise that this time they’ll remember to turn them off. It’s safe to bank on next time.
"The One Who Loves To Cook"
You will find this one always gabbing about new recipes they found online in the “low-carb” diet websites and pinning images of food on Pinterest. They are the epitome of the “foodie.” They love trying to make new things and are unafraid of meals turning out poorly because that never happens when they’re in charge of getting fancy with the sauces.
"The One Who Only Eats Frozen Food"
Bound by their fearful mind paralysis of the idea of trying and failing to cook real, fresh food, The One Who Only Eats Frozen Food relies heavily on Lean Cuisine meals and steam-in bags of veggies. Surprisingly, this person has good eating habits, because they don’t snack on things other than soup and steamed veggies most days. They are comfortable in their pattern of not touching the oven and remain ignorant about what it means to “grill” or “sauté” anything. The Mom and The One Who Loves To Cook encourage them to try to make something new, but most times it is tried and respectfully failed.
Whatever role you have assumed, chances are, your housemates love you for it. Whether you piss them off for leaving the lights on or are their saving grace for changing up their meal plan with a freshly cooked meal, you all play a part in the ever-imperfect dynamic that is your college home. And as all the corniest people say, there truly is no place like home – or the people living in it.
