Gone are the days where loyalty is a staple in a relationship. Its importance has been tarnished because of society’s normalization and acceptance of cheating. People cheat for a variety of reasons, some of which are more justifiable than others, although I don’t believe any cheating should be tolerated as “okay” in a healthy relationship.

It seems to be socially acceptable in 2016 to cheat on your significant other. Some people may disagree, but I feel as though even online fantasy relationships, such as those encouraged by websites like Ashley Madison, fall under the wide umbrella of “cheating”. As this became more and more commonplace over the past few years, I figured it was time to make sense of why people do it. I came to this realization a while ago in a high school science laboratory and since then, it has really helped me to understand myself and those around me.

Imagine you are in a high school classroom, one in which you’ve spent years performing lab experiments, mixing chemicals, and dissecting animals. You always know you’re going to come out alive, but you constantly enter cautiously, wondering what will be on the day’s agenda. After stepping into and out of that classroom each day for years, you suddenly notice a red button on the wall about the size of your fist. You’re confused as to how long it has been there and what it does, but you’re afraid to press it and find out, so you let it be.

Now imagine a similar scenario. Same classroom, same history, and same red button, but this time, there is a sign right above it. In bold, capital letters, it reads “DO NOT PUSH”. The button suddenly seems more intriguing, doesn’t it? What does it do? You wonder. Will it cause sprinklers to go off? Does an alarm sound and trigger an evacuation of the entire school? Do pounds of candy drop from the ceiling for an impromptu fiesta? The world will never know until you push this button. You’re more inclined to do so now, aren’t you?

This, my friends, is what I call the “red button effect” and it is applicable to a lot of things, like legal drinking ages and speed limits. Beer is so much more appealing when you’re under 21, and who wants to drive 55 on the highway when your car can go 90? The red button effect is very relatable in relationships as well.

You are single and have been mingling for a while. You haven’t really found anyone that connects with you the way you want. Person A, for instance, is nice, and has a few cute tendencies about himself/herself, but nothing to make you so attracted as to want to date Person A. After searching and searching, you finally find Person B. You connect instantly and are best friends, you make each other laugh, you understand each other, and the relationship is the best you’ve had in a while. You’re still friends with Person A and although you are not attracted to him/her, something has changed. No, it’s not looks or personality, but remember that cute thing he/she always did? It now seems irresistible. It’s not because they magically became this super irresistible person (don’t we all wish we had that power?), but because your mindset shifted. You are no longer “allowed” to have Person A because you are dating Person B.

Let’s pause for a second….

If this idea of being “banned” (I use the term loosely) from being with one person because of another bothers you, maybe a relationship isn’t right for you at the moment. If you have someone that you love and that loves you, but you aren’t satisfied by that, you are either with the wrong person or you need to enjoy the single life a little longer.

Let’s continue…

You are not “allowed” to have Person A because you chose Person B, remember? Person B is the one you searched for, the one who gets you, and–most importantly–the one who makes you happy. Not many people stop to think about the quality of their relationship with Person B when they encounter Person A. Instead, they view Person B as a hindrance and subsequently develop negative feelings (even if they are just momentary) about Person B because Person B is the one stopping them from enjoying the cute thing that Person A does.

In simple terms, this is why people cheat. Something new about another person excites them and leads them to create slight animosity toward the person that’s holding them back, ie. their significant other. People then rationalize tainting their current relationships because they begin to think of all of the other ways their significant others hold them back, which in reality may be exaggerated.

The saying “everyone wants what they can’t have” is scarily true, and even if you find something you aren’t necessarily intrigued by (the red button and Person A), it can automatically become intriguing because of some hindrance that you allow to affect your perspective on the situation (the “DO NOT PUSH” sign and the relationship with Person B). Your urges to cheat intensify if you find enticing things about various people, but if you take the time to really think about your relationship with your significant other, you will discover a lot about your connections with those around you and if your relationship is as important to you as you think it is.

Remember, Person A and the red button were not very intriguing before the hindrance, and still wouldn’t be intriguing if you didn’t allow yourself to believe that what you don’t have is greater than what you do.

Happy relationship-ing!