"So many years of education and yet nobody ever taught us how to love ourselves and why it's so important." -Unknown
It took me 21 years to learn that I have to be the one to love myself the most. And it took me 21 years to really understand the importance of loving yourself. I’ve been guilty of assuming that one day I’ll meet someone, a friend, a boyfriend, anybody really, someone who will put me above all else. I’m really not sure why I ever thought this (maybe I’ll blame all the cheesy romance novels I read in middle school. Damn you, Nicholas Sparks).
Because of this extremely unrealistic idea in my head I destroyed a lot of my relationships by assuming that people will always be there for me in exactly the way I want them to. For so long I had myself convinced that if I had a solid group of “best friends” and a boyfriend then I was worth something. In the weird world of high school, that is kind of how your position on the food chain was established. Unfortunately I took this idea with me when I graduated. What I (clearly) didn’t know in high school is that I am the only one who can determine my worth.
I was straining my friends to fill this void inside of me. I would use the relationships I had with people to validate my worth, to strengthen my confidence, and to show that I am someone who is capable of being loved despite having some significant flaws.
I feel like a lot of us do this in different ways, especially when it comes to social media. We go places with people just so we can post a picture on Instagram. God forbid we do something just for the fun of doing it (but that’s a whole different can of worms that I won’t open right now). But I was abusing my relationships. I was expecting so much from other people to make up for the lack of love I had for myself. And when I didn’t get the amount of love I wanted from people I would get upset.
One day someone I trust said, “Jenna, here is a list of things you can control and a list of things you cannot control.”
The only thing that was under the “can control” list was myself. I can control my actions, my thoughts, my feelings (most of the time), and how I react to different situations. Under the “cannot control” list was other people’s thoughts, emotions, reactions, etc.
It was right there, laid out in black and white. Brutally to the point. I can control myself and that is it. I cannot force someone else to be as dedicated to me as I am to them. This list was kind of a smack in the face. I’ve spent so much time trying to control my relationships. I was trying to force people to commit to me and I wanted them to commit at the level that I wanted them to.
It’s a fact of life that friends lose touch, couples break up, people grow apart, it’s just how life works. So you can’t measure your worth based on other people because chances are they won’t be in your life forever, and more importantly than that you shouldn’t put your happiness in the hands of someone else. It is not theirs to have.
You can’t manipulate people to do it for you so you have to love yourself first. Don’t be selfish but don’t be afraid to put yourself first every once and a while. Other people’s happiness is very important as well but when you’re trying to help someone else, don’t lose sight of your own well-being. Don’t let anyone take away your happiness and always remember that you are the one that defines your worth, not somebody else.
