The way we expose ourselves to the opinions of the outside world has a major effect on the things we choose to believe. The ambassadors we listen to, norms we begin to adopt, and advice we find ourselves to love by is all influenced by the media we indulge in. Whether we like it or not, it is everywhere. People are paid to make us live by certain rules and regimes.
In this society we must be cautious.
We have to question who is feeding us the information and what they are gaining from it. We have to ask what the point is, what is true and what is a lie, and most importantly, we need to examine the people who try their hardest to influence us on a daily basis. Are they really healthy? Do they love their body? What is their mental state? How much are they getting paid?
Healthy is NOT restriction or harsh rules. It is not starving all day and shame for eating at night. It is not saying no all the time and working out when you give in. And it is certainly not ripping you away from your friends, your dreams, your positive energy, and the enjoyment of full life.
My mind had been so altered by this new "me" that I did not know how to break free. Majority of the time that I was suffering, I thought it was just natural changes. The ED did a great job. It did what it was supposed to. It convinced me that I was maturing, changing, and most importantly that I was being healthy.
Healthy... currently one of my most controversial terms. I had to completely re-examine the ways I chose to define this term. I was listening to Instagram followers, product endorsers, athletes, and societal norms. In the depth of the illness I did not have the capacity to understand that these people, might be lying. They might not even be doing the things they push on me, they too might struggle with eating, and they could very easily be getting paid to say anything. I was listening to them, living like them, depending on them, and getting sicker by the day.
The eating disorder growing inside of me loved how much I looked to society for help. The people and things i chose to believe in were also quite distorted, but because I was also living in such restrictive ways, I was being supported instead of stopped. I began to believe healthy meant all the things it should not. I was doing well at living in these principles, but was I getting healthier? No. I was getting skinner and colder and my hair was thinner and my skin was no longer glowing. I was tired and anxious and upset. I was scared to be living a lifestyle that was so incredibly unsustainable.
In the terms of Anorexia, I was healthy because I was skinny, but what it failed to let me see were all the other ways I was completely UNHEALTHY. Mentally, I was a mess. I was panicked if things did not go as planned and my food rules determined my schedule. I was consumed in entirety by an obsession that could never be seen as healthy. The toll it took on my body and my mind far outweighed the pounds that I lost.
Point blank, I was not happy. True health is about being happy, satisfied, having the ability to take on the day and enjoy it. During my struggle, I was none of these things. Some days it is still hard to let go of the tendencies and remind myself that people lie, not everything is what it seems. Just because you saw it on t.v. does not mean it is true and EVERYONE has an agenda so stop letting your life be ruled by standards. Not to mention, these "standards" change on a daily basis. For example, something I lived by last week was going to make me fat this week and so on. As a perfectionist, depending on a world with unrealistic expectations was doomed for disaster. There was no option but disappointment and this circe only fueled the monster I needed to learn to live without.
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