Holidays are the time of year where everything seems right in the world. Everyone is gathering around and celebrating with their families, exchanging gifts and laughter. Many people love this time of year and wait all year for it. They get excited for shopping, cooking, baking, and decorating. However, for some this time of year is really difficult especially those who lost a loved one.

Grief is a very real thing and it takes years to get to a point where you are able to in a way come to terms with the fact that your loved one is gone. This time of year in a way rubs salt in even the oldest wounds caused by grief because it gives you no choice but to think about your loved one that’s not there to celebrate with you. Whether a loved one died the month before or ten years before the holidays still sneak up and hit you from behind.

This affects a lot of people and they all have their own ways of getting through the holidays with their grief. Some change traditions to still include their lost loved one. They do this by having an empty chair at the dinner table or having a special monument such as an ornament or by visiting them at their resting place. Others choose not to celebrate at all and just treat the holiday like any other day or choose not to talk about their loved one and when people do ask just ignore the conversation completely. People with children will often still celebrate the holidays as if nothing happened for the sake of their children in hopes to bring a feeling of normalcy to their children’s life. Some people use the holiday as a day to just be happy and not think of their pain because they know their loved one wouldn’t want them to be sad during such a happy day.

There a number of things that you can do to help a person who is grieving during the holiday. First, you can ask what they need from you whether it be a hug, a partner to help walk down memory lane, or just silence. Second, listen to them and what they’re saying or not saying (silence can be just as loud as shouting). Third, be there for them either physically or emotionally it’s hard to lose a loved one or knowing that someone is there really helps a lot. Lastly, respect their wishes if they don’t want to go out or just want to act like everything is fine for a day or not talk about it than let them without judgement.

For me personally, grief hits the hardest during my best friend’s favorite holidays where I know she would be celebrating and having a ball if she were here. My first holiday without her was right after her funeral and it just so happened to be one of her all-time favorites, Halloween. What I did on Halloween was try to be happy for her because I knew she would want me to be. So I got dressed up in a costume, hung out with my friends, and went to a Halloween party at my school. Doing that helped me feel so close to her and I was actually cracking smiles and laughing until I ripped my costume. Lying in bed after the party I was crying but they were happy tears because I was thinking back on Halloweens past.

I adopted habits that help me cope not just on the holidays but every day. Some these include spraying her perfume on my wrist before leaving my room, hugging the pillow made from her t-shirt, and looking up quotes on Pinterest. I made plans to visit her for the first time on my birthday, another special day was celebrated by the both of us, but I went two days earlier and I brought poinsettias and I talked to her for a while just me and her and it felt so great and sad at the same time.

So this holiday remember that you don’t know what people are going through and who they lost so be kind and courteous always.