I was in a roller coaster relationship. There was a high level of uncertainty with where our future would take us and therefore a lack of commitment. I found myself wondering why our relationship wasn’t moving forward. I began to look at myself as the reason for our stalemate. Was I too controlling? Was it my sense of humor? The roundness of my face, or the extra weight in my thighs?
I had been overweight for most of my life but it never really seemed to bother me. Over the years I had learned how to dress my body. I was comfortable, careful not to draw extra attention. Despite all of this, I would have considered myself a fairly confident person. Like most people, I had bad days, but the good far outweighed them.
When I entered this relationship I had no idea where it would take me. I had no idea that within a matter of a few months I would find myself with worsening anxiety and depression. I had no idea my self-confidence would plummet to an all time low. Eventually, my fears and doubts rose to the surface and we broke up.
Winter break hit and I found myself back in the same tumultuous relationship. This time was different, or so I thought. We were happier, we were growing together. Everything was great until it wasn't. I got tired of feigning for validation. I was exhausted, trying to be everything I knew that I wasn't. I would have moved mountains if it meant we'd have a future together. I couldn't see that he didn't want me, and I didn't need him.
For us, in the end, it came down the fact that we wanted different things out of the relationship. We were just not right for each other. I was wrong, though. Granting a boy permission to make me feel like my best wasn't enough. I had learned to devalue my own ideas of the person I knew I was. It had become a battle for approval, one I wasn't ever going to win.
Now the only approval I fight for is my own. I'm more motivated than ever. I signed up for a 5k, a goal I always thought unattainable. I've started training, mind, and body, hurdling over the insecurity that once stopped me from believing in myself. I've now run the 3.1 miles. I've accepted the fact I'm always going to ruin the punch lines of own jokes. I've learned to love my thighs and the life they've carried me through. I'm grateful for the roundness in my face, a side effect of genetics, donuts and a genuinely happy way of life. My confidence is sky high. My anxiety is at bay. Finally, I've found peace inside myself I didn't know I needed.The journey has been empowering, to say the least.
You call the shots in your life. During a breakup or a run on the treadmill, you will yourself to go on. You control the way you respond to how others make you feel. Take anything in your life that makes you feel less than what you are, and get rid of it. In fact, run away. Fast. Do not be your own worst enemy. Love the hot mess that you are. Don’t let a boy or some extra curve around the edges, keep you from all that you can be. What lies within is much more valuable than the opinions of small minded people. Work hard and be kind to yourself and the best is yet to come.
