As a college student, life is scary. We're worried about being away from our family, finding friends, paying for rent, paying for school, getting a job, staying/getting in shape, keeping our grades up, finding internships, and all while trying to figure out what the heck we're going to do after college. There's so much unknown adding to the regular stresses of daily life that it can be overwhelming, especially if you have chronic anxiety like me.
I never woke up one day and said, "Ah this must be the crippling anxiety keeping me in bed." I thought I was just being lazy, so I would be frustrated at myself for staying in bed and watching yet another Buzzfeed video. Yes, I can be extremely lazy (can't we all?), but this was different. It wasn't "I really don't want to cook my own food right now, so I'll order chinese", it was "It's 5pm and I haven't gotten out of bed yet." I also thought that it was completely fine to assume the worst of normal situations; I still think for hours about how I embarrassed myself in front of that friend of a friend two weeks ago because I stuttered during a sentence, or about how nervous I am to drive on busy roads because I'm 100% going to cause a car crash, or about how terrified I am to take my shirt off at the beach because someone might look and laugh to their friend about how disgusting I look. Even just writing about these scenarios is making me twitchy.
It took a long time for me to actually question what was going on, and even after meeting with a professional I was skeptical. Once I figured it out, it seemed absurd to me that I was going through life thinking that I was just being lazy and that everything would be fine if I just pulled myself up by my bootstraps. A better metaphor would be trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps while my hands are chained behind my back, I'm upside down underwater, sharks are occasionally taking a small bite out of me, and everyone I've ever known is yelling at me from above the surface. It may sound a little over the top, but it really is not.
The biggest problem that I struggle with is body image. Since I broke my leg in sixth grade and had to sit in a chair most of the time, I've been overweight. Even after I had my last surgery in high school, it felt impossible to make up my lost ground; most of the time I look in the mirror and hate what I see. No matter how much exercise or diet I put in, it always seems like nothing changes. It's the same feeling as studying for a test for a month straight and feeling confident afterwards only to see that I got a C- (I'm sure a lot of you know that feeling). Why put forth all that effort if there is nothing even close to a reward? Why waste all that time at the gym or in the library when I could have been doing anything else I enjoy? Why do anything I enjoy when I can just stay in bed and avoid all my stresses? This is what I used to think about every day; it just kept everything going because I would stay in bed to feel a little bit better about myself while staying in bed actually made me angry at myself, and that made me feel worse which started the cycle again.
My anxiety is definitely not cured, and I don't think anyone can be "cured". It's just a part of our lives that will always be there, and we use different methods to keep waking up every day from feeling like a chore. Now we come to the reason I'm writing this article in the first place. I want someone to read this and think, "I'm not alone." I want someone to read this and tell someone what they're feeling. I want someone to read this and think that they're beautiful today, no matter what other people might think. I want someone to read this and understand that bravery isn't about keeping feelings hidden behind a mask, it's about putting yourself first for once in your life and not letting your problems control you. No one is perfect, but if you appreciate the small victories, life can be a little more bearable. As much as it freaked me out to write about my personal life, I did it because staying quiet is what causes everything to spiral out of control and I want someone to learn from my mistakes and to get help before their stress becomes overwhelming.
*Games that can relieve some stress:
http://armorgames.com/play/5542/starlight-2
*Resources that can help if you feel defeated:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlin...
http://samaritansnyc.org/calling-the-hotline/
I sincerely thank you for reading my story, and feel free to share this with someone you know with anxiety or depression to let them know they aren't alone.
