Labels are something that define us everyday. Today’s society has given me several labels: female, Caucasian, average height, average weight, and many more. Well, labels are the reason why I have not been able to be comfortable in my own skin ever since I can remember. As a child I had learned the labels, heterosexual, gay, lesbian, and bisexual. These terms had set definitions that people identified with. What I did not understand until recently is that I do not have to be attached to one of these; it is not always so black and white.

I went to the same school from age five until 13. Our grade of only 40 kids was close with one another; a little too close. My peers were already far beyond their years, in dating and hook ups, by the time we were in middle school. This was not something that I was prepared for. I did not feel pressured into wanting to be a part of the hookup culture at the very young age of eleven just because my classmates were, but it made me feel inferior for not being as advanced as them. I had crushes on boys who I could admire from afar, but they would go for the same girls every time; the ones who were not me. As middle school progressed and I was still not up to par with my peers in their sexual advances, something changed. I was still interested in all of these boys but I started to find girls “cute,” the only word I would say to myself to make it sound less weird. I pushed these thoughts aside because I believed I was only thinking this as a result of not grabbing these boys’ attention. I was wrong.

I tried pushing away these feelings because I did not want to be part of any new identity that I would be stuck with for life. When watching T.V. or movies I would find myself thinking about the male and female actors. I noticed both genders more at school, but I did not let these thoughts turn into anything more than views. “Pretty Little Liars,” a show that was becoming popular while I was in eighth grade, had a main character who identified as a lesbian. I did not completely see myself in her character, but that show gave me the courage to do what I did next. I subtly told a family member how I was feeling by saying, “I think I like girls – and boys still.” This family member said to me, “I believe you, but you probably don’t know yet. You're too young, you’re just curious.” I understood this, but these were not the encouraging words I was hoping for. I broke the same news over text to my two best friends that day. Their responses were sweet and naïve, as any would be at age thirteen. They said that maybe I would change my mind when I had experiences with boys, but they did also offer their support and love.

Those two dear friends of mine are still in my life, six years later. We had not talked about this topic for years. I thought that they were either uncomfortable to bring it up with me again or just assumed that because I had not said anything in a while, the feeling of liking girls had passed. It was not until I was in eleventh grade that we spoke of this more, and I told them that there was a specific girl in mind now. Each caringly asked about my progress with this girl, but I assured them that nothing would happen as I would never admit to her what I had to them. It has been three years, and none of us have talked about it directly since.

I am a 19-year-old, college sophomore, trying to figure out my place in the world. For years I believed that I have been “figuring out my sexuality,” but that is not it at all. I know who I am and I know who I like. Society’s labels made me afraid that I would be required to conform to a specific trademark. Well, here it is for the first time in writing. I am bisexual meaning that I like both genders. I am okay with that. The word bisexual is a label that has an attached stigma, as most words do. Sure, it will be easiest for me when asked my sexual preference that I call myself bisexual. I am proud and that is who I am. It is not a bad word or something I want to hide. Yet, I am worried to be labeled as such because with this label I do not also want to be called needy, greedy, or someone who cannot “decide” on a gender to like.

Being attached to an identity makes it harder for people to understand. It is okay if I happen to be attracted to one gender over another or want to date one gender more than the other. It is just harder for others to understand this as they have preconceived ideas of this word already.

Having the power to write to such a broad audience and share this over social media will help me reach everyone at once as the only people that may know of this are those two friends and that one family member. It is putting all of my thoughts, fears, and comments into one place so I do not have to repeat myself and because writing is where I am most, me.

I wanted to confront questions and curiosities about bisexuality that I have heard over the years, now that I have the chance.

1. Maybe you just haven’t met the right guy yet.

You are right. I have not met the right guy yet. I have not met the right girl yet either. I think most people my age have yet to find their Mr. or Ms. Right.

2. Now I see why you have always supported gay rights and why you get angry when people use the word “fag" or “faggot.”

Actually, no. I have supported gay rights because I support human rights. As for the word “fag,” it is a term that has come to be used in a disgusting and degrading way and it should have no place in mine or anyone else’s vocabulary.

3. Does this mean that you like every person that you see?

I have heard this asked many times, and it is ridiculous. No, this is not what this means. This is the same as me asking a heterosexual female if she has liked every male she has ever seen. The answer would (most likely) be no.

4. We should not have sleepovers or change in front of each other anymore.

Referring to the previous question, just because you are a female, does not mean that I automatically like you or am attracted to you. I will not “make a move,” or want to stare at you while you change. If you have altered your view of me enough for these things to matter now, then there is a bigger problem. You should check out the movie “Life Partners” (2014) starring Leighton Meester, about a lesbian woman with a straight best friend. They get along just fine, sleepovers and all.

5. How many guys or girls have you hooked up with? Well, if you haven’t hooked up with one or the other then how do you even know if you like them?

Most people know which gender they are interested in without needing to date or hook up with someone first. As for the answer to this, that is nobody else’s business but my own, and it is not something that I had to do before knowing who I want to be with.

6. You are going to hell/ that lifestyle is disgusting.

If you think of me as a lesser person who is going to hell or who is despicable, then I think you need to become more open-minded. I am not a religious person, however, in my Jewish cultural and traditional background, it is important to be accepting and understanding as I am sure it is the same in many if not all other religions.

I do not know what reactions I will get towards this. I did not write this to get attention or for you to think of me as someone trying to make sexual preference into something so rare or so unique, as if I am the only one who has ever dealt with this. That is not the case, and these are not my intentions. Being in the closet is a scary and lonely place, and writing is my most comfortable outlet. I am fortunate enough to be part of a family where my parents and siblings love me unconditionally.

I cannot predict the future or read minds but knowing how loving and accepting they have been my whole life I think our family dynamic will be better than okay. As for the rest of my extended family, friends, and the Internet, I leave how you feel about me, up to you. You could think less of me, you could be supportive, you could judge, you could question me. I do not need everyone’s unconditional love to keep going as I will fight past the rejections and move on. However, there will be times where others in your life “come out.” Maybe they will not be a part of the LGBT community but they will confide in you for something. It would mean a lot if you could support them. If you do not agree with their ways, at least try to understand and be there for them. I am the same person. I still love mac n cheese, obsess over Bernie Sanders, and my dog is my best friend. The only thing that has changed, is that I can now be comfortable in my own skin. I am not a label, I am a human.