I saw Jurassic Park for the very first time when I was around four or five years old. It was amazing. And while the film has numerous iconic scenes, like the first time the T-Rex appears or the velociraptors hunting in the kitchen, the scene that will always be my favorite is the climactic escape from the park.
Let me refresh you: After evading the terrors of the prehistoric park for the last half of the movie, our heroes are finally trapped by three vicious Velociraptors in the main lobby. Just as one raptor prepares to lunge at Dr. Grant and company, a majestic the park's Tyrannosaurus Rex materializes and makes quick work of the undersized predators.
Here's the full scene in case you need a visual.
When I saw the T-Rex come in and save the day for the very first time, I just about lost my dang mind. My five-year-old brain could not comprehend what was happening. I replayed that scene over and over and over and over in my mind all through the rest of day and well into the rest of the week. I loved the T-rex as a kid. He was the king of the dinosaurs. He was the tip-top of the food chain. He was like the lion in the savannah, the shark in the sea, or the bear in the woods. He was the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world, and he had a look to match.
I mean, just feast your eyes on his depiction in Jurassic Park:
Dang. Soak it in folks. The sheer size. The shape of the head. Those mighty jaws with rows of terrifying teeth. Powerful hind legs. This is a look that kills. But over the past several years archaeologists have discovered more information on the T-Rex and they suggest that the design featured in Jurassic Park is incorrect. The king of the prehistoric realm should actually look something like this:
What is this? What am I looking at? Are those feathers? Why the heck did you put feathers on it? What are those arms? They look like pathetic little wings. Why are you doing this? That's no Tyrannosaurus. That's a... well... I don't exactly know what it is, but it sure as heck ain't a T-Rex.
You had a good thing and you ruined it. You wrecked it. You just came right out in broad daylight and wrecked it. Why? Do you guys get together every week and discuss how you can ruin things? Is Neil deGrasse Tyson the president of this "scientific fun ruiners" club? How did the T-Rex meeting go?
Tyson: Hey what's something everyone loves
Scientist 1: My kids love dinosaurs.
Tyson: Perfect. How can we take everything fun about that and make it bad?
Scientist 2: Let's tell everybody the T-Rex is related to the chicken
Tyson: OOOOOOOO, that's good! Can anyone do better?
Scientist 3: LET'S ALSO MAKE THE T-REX A CHICKEN
Tyson: PERFECT SOMEONE DRAW THAT
Scientists. Look what you've DONE. Look how sad he is. Look how defeated he is.
That is not the face of the greatest dino to walk the earth. That is the face of disgraced royalty. You have taken the dignity of the great tyrant. You have dragged their name through the mud and I won't stand for it any longer. Sure, some of these discoveries over the past few years are purely aesthetic in nature. They don't make the T-Rex any less dangerous, they just make it way less intimidating. And that's just not cool. But just a few months ago I saw this headline splatter the front pages of the internet:
Oh GOOD GRIEF.
LIPS? LIPS? LIPS?
NO ROAR?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS.
Were you not hugged as children? Scratch that, were you not hugged by a Tyrannosaurus as a child? Do you seek revenge? Do you long to sully the name of the being who caused you so much pain as an adolescent? DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO? Go get us to Mars. Go figure out how we can shorten traffic on IH-35. Discover alternative energy sources. Find a new plant. I dunno. But do something else. Leave this poor soul alone. He's had enough and so have I.
Each time that you scientists-IF THAT EVEN IS YOUR REAL NAME-discover something new about the T-Rex, you make him way les cool than he once was. And it just makes me sad.
What's the next headline going to be?
"T-Rex was actually a herbivore the whole time. Wore false teeth to scare away enemies."
"The great Tyrannosaurus was actually named Herbert and stood on stilts."
"If the T-Rex were alive today he would probably drive a Geo Metro."
"Unearthed Spotify account shows that the T-Rex really loved Milli Vanilli"
"The T-Rex had a favorite Star Wars character and it was actually Jar-Jar Binks"
This has gotten out of hand. Scientists, you must stop researching the T-Rex. Find a different dinosaur to pick on. My heart simply cannot take it anymore. I'm begging you. Think of the children. Think of the adults. Think of all the good that you can do. Just stop thinking about the T-Rex.
