Well, hello there, evil patron of hatred upon the very shoes that Jesus blessed himself. I am a typical college female, if you will, that has worn the soles of my Birkenstocks so weary that there is a small cry for help every time I place them on my feet. I understand that you might disagree with my choice of footwear, but I hope that after reading these fine persuasions of Birkenstockery you will be susceptive even an inkling to the gloriousness of said footwear. So, with that, let us begin this journey into the wonderful world of buckled talaria. We've been expecting you.
1. "You look like your sandals belong in the biblical era."
Why yes, darling, my shoes might resemble choice of sandal of maybe Noah or Moses, but shouldn't we all be striving to parallel such prominent men of God? I am aware that Birkenstocks have been deemed "Jesus sandals," but, frankly, I see no issue with wearing the same style of footwear as the Son of Man, himself. I am called to act in His manners anyhow, so why shouldn't it include what I put on my feet? Maybe, your Jordans or Rainbow Sandals are the true sin in this situation.
2. "Birkenstocks are lazy."
My fear of my footwear revealing a persona of inertia is not of concern, due to the practicality of choosing a shoe that is both rational and fashionable. The comfortable soles provide as a Tempur-pedic sensation for my tired arches and the colonial-like buckle across my fore-foot is historically sound and modernly acclimated. So, if you believe my shoes waft a stench of apathy, that might be the smelliness of hostility in your own heart.
3. "Why would you pay that much money for such basic shoes?"
One word. Four letters. E-B-A-Y.
4. "They lack originality."
While I do understand there is a vast variety of similar sandals on the market that simulate that of the Birkenstock, their inspiration was not due to their own plight. Take a stroll through the shoe department at Target, Shoe Carnival, Payless, if you may; there is bound to be a look-alike in some form or fashion. Now, I do believe a shoe that is absent in individuality would not be copied in such multiplications.
5. "Birkenstocks do not go with anything."
Contrare, mi amigo. I have seen Birkenstocks on the appendages of college girls and guys walking up the street in T-shirts and shorts to the bride who feels incredulously hipster to sport them under her flowing white smock on her wedding day. Versatility was forefront in the mind of Mr. Birkenstock (I know that's not the inventor) when creating such a shoe with a smorgasbord of different strapping and color preferences. That is why they are the preferred zori to the bubbling and sometimes-a-bit-too-loud sorority gal to the granola nut that has more Nature Valley bars and tribal-patterned fanny-packs than anyone can stomach.
I hope my chronicle of the Birkenstock has helped ease your mind towards your seemingly infallible loathe of the shoe. So, please, have a drink, take a seat and try on a pair. Your life might never be the same.
