Up until recently, I have never had to help my friends through a breakup. But then, a couple of my friends had their relationships end within months of each other. This put me in a situation that I had never been in before. I wanted to be a good friend and be there for them, but since I had never had to help anyone through a breakup before, I had a difficult time thinking about what I should or should not say. After having helped these friends, I learned what things I did right, and which things I should have done differently.
The first thing I had to realize is that both of my friends were grieving, even though one of them was the one that was broken up with, while the other one was not. They had different roles in their breakups, but they both still felt sad about their relationships ending. Then, I tried to think of an experience of my own that could help me have a better idea of what they were going through, and of what they were feeling. Even though I have had different experiences from my friends, doing this helped a lot because it made me understand my friends better.
The hard thing I had deciding on was whether or not I should tell my friends my own experience or not. On the one hand, I wanted to tell them what I went through before so that they would know they are not alone, and to try and give advice on what they should or should not do after breaking up. On the other hand, I thought bringing up my experiences would make me seem selfish, and as if I was making the situation all about me, even though that would not be my intention. Thus, I figured out that it is best to not bring up your own experiences unless if your friends ask to hear about it. Plus, you can still reflect on what you have went through before in order to think of advice to give your friend, without telling them directly of your experience.
Advice was a tricky thing too. I had the urge to give my friends advice right away, but that was not the right thing to do. Instead, I listened to what my friends had to say. Eventually I started to give my advice, but I have since learned that I should only have given advice when my friends asked for it. I have also learned that it is good to discourage your friends from doing certain things that you think will hurt themselves. For instance, you should discourage them from contacting their exes, or looking up their exes on social media. It only opens up old wounds and makes it harder for them to move on.
The most important thing I learned I could do was to let my friends know that there is nothing wrong with them. Sometimes relationships do not work out, but it does not mean you are not good enough for that other person, nor does it mean that you should change who you are to please that other person.
I do not have the answers for everything of what you should do to help your friends. I am still learning things as I go, and both of my friends needed me to support them in different ways. What I can say for certain is everyone heals at their own pace. It takes time to move on, and there is no definite amount of time for healing. Listen to your friends, be patient with them, and be understanding of them. But also let your friends figure things out for themselves. There is only so much you can do because ultimately your friends need to decide what is best for them.
