Happiness is different for me. I can't seem to find it in contentment. Sure there are moments when I am content and feel happy, but the majority of my time, I spend it longing for someone. I just want someone to love. Right now i'm not willing to let anyone in. The saddest part about it all is if he tried coming back I would probably give in wholeheartedly because I miss everything. I search my mind every minute of everyday about him. Wondering what he's doing or just thinking about how we spent our days together. The hardest part of it all, I know that my space in his life is not empty. It's filled. I would give anything to have some happiness in my life again, but anything I look at, he's there. He's there in my mind and I'm constantly reminded of anything and everything about us. He's there in my long drive to school. He's there when i'm drinking my coffee in the early morning. He's there on the rainy Saturday mornings. He's there in my darkest thoughts and my happiest moments. He crawls into my mind and is stubborn to leave. He's there when I'm dancing around my room, or singing in the shower. He's always there. I often find myself longing for the simpler days. The simpler days of riding with the windows down on an autumn Sunday morning heading to Sunday lunch with his family. The adolescent days of lying in his bed while he played guitar. But that boy is no longer the boy I love. He's the boy I once loved who has changed into an entirely different person.

I believe there will always be some kind of feeling there. The way he looks at me. The way he looks at me when he thinks I don't see him looking. The memories flood my head sometimes and I feel as if I'm drowning, but I pause, I breathe and I move on from that moment. I will never get any of those moments back. Those are memories of a person who is not the same as they once were. I look at him with wonder and a little disappointment because he and I have evolved in the short six months we've been apart. Evolved in ways probably neither one of us like and I think we try to hate each other to make up for the missing and the regret. I think we try to make excuses to hate one another, but the truth is, what we had came so unexpectedly and so untimely and ended so abruptly that we both wonder. It's impossible to hate each other truthfully no matter how much we say we do. Deep down, I think we both know. We just know. And I'm terrified of him. Terrified meaning I'm so scared of ever speaking to him or getting too close. I'm scared of the unspoken words we'll never say to each other.

One year. One year and I finally feel good again. It wasn't so much love as it was ROUTINE and that's important. My head isn't filled with memories of him or missing him anymore. My head is filled with optimism for the future. I am happy. Truly. I have spent days and weeks searching for myself. Rebuilding myself and patching the holes that were once there. When your heart breaks, I believe it never really heals completely. There will always be a little sting when you hear that person's name, or see them. But I feel nothing now. When he looks at me, I don't think too much now. I let it roll off my shoulder as if it didn't happen, because it might as well have not happened at all. The person I was during that period in time is a complete stranger now. Ive lost and Ive learned. But every person serves a purpose. Whether we realize their purpose then or years down the road. Each purpose is meant to teach a lesson and to help us grow. Despite the pain that may come along with that. But in spite of it all.. One Year. One year and I am finally okay.

Time flies by so quickly. Autumn days are upon us and it fills me with so much optimism. I am excited for the future. A year and half has passed by. Second year of college and I am about to transfer to the university that will start my career. My perspective on life has changed and it brings me contentment. I know what I want out of life, happiness and adventure. I want to surround myself with people who want the same things that I do. Life is too short to be surrounded by those who are pessimistic. Where does that leave my head and heart with a boy I so long ago loved? It leaves my heart healed and longing for something new. It has made me cautious to love, though. Cautious to allow not just anyone into my heart. My heart needs someone who will love me through it all. Who will love me, and only me unconditionally. I think that I will just know when I meet that person, but until then I will continue to work on myself for myself. I pray for the future and all that it brings. I am changing everyday; my thoughts, my perspectives, and who I am as a human being. I pray that next Autumn I am still evolving into a better human than I am today. I pray that the girl I may be next year is full of life and happiness.

Spring. Almost 2 years. I like coming back to this document every few months to see how I have evolved. I have stopped counting the days, weeks, and months without someone in my life. I stopped doing that a year ago. Those days are so foreign and beyond me. I have stopped constantly reflecting back on the days that I wrote about at the beginning of this document. The girl that wrote those words was so young at heart and had so much to learn. I am going on my 21st year of life. The girl in the beginning of this was only 18. I have learned so much about life since then. The second sentence says "I cant seem to find it in contentment." Boy how times have changed. I am always finding happiness in the simple things. A clear night sky where you can see all the stars and the moon? That's what I'm talking about. Simple. Clear. Happy. Driving to the beach with your best friends in the car blasting music? Happiness. I want to spend my young adult years experiencing new things and living life. Unlike the girl at the beginning of this who had to feel loved by a boy to feel whole, I feel whole all on my own. I create my own happiness within myself. I'm still learning and I'm still growing as a person every single day. I'm trying to be kinder to others and to myself. I'm trying to be calmer and slow to anger. I'm not always successful but I'm trying. I'm chasing my dreams and building a life for myself. I'm focused on self-growth and my future and I have accepted that any love that is meant for me will find it's way eventually. If not, then it wasn't meant for me. I trust God with my life and I believe that when the time is right, all the right things will come.

If you're still reading at this point. Congratulations honestly. All jokes aside, if you feel like you are in the position of the 18 year old girl who started this document, my 20 year old self would like to say that this isn't the end for you. You have your whole life ahead of you. You're young. Have patience. Trust God and His timing. Everything will follow.

*disclaimer* this is not to take a hit at anyone. This is solely to show that life is hard sometimes, but its not always as bad as we think it is when we're going through something and it takes time to realize that. Emotions are real and they are yours, and its okay to express them.