As I lay in bed, noticing that you aren't here next to me, I almost am joyful noticing your absence. Not only were you my first lover, but you were also my best friend. You weren't some best friend who gossiped with me or played with my hair; You knew every inch and corner of my soul and my mind, and you will be the only one to gain that knowledge for as long as I live. So please, hold on to it tightly.

Although you're my best friend, I don't wish you were here right now. I don't wish to hear all of the awful names you could call me without feeling any remorse, and denying the fact that you glued those names into my brain. You made me feel crazy, and that events that happened didn’t actually happen. You weren’t mad enough to take responsibility for your actions.

I don't wish to feel the sting of your harsh hand flying across my face, and you telling me I deserved it. Nobody deserves that. I don't wish to feel the pain that I endured for endless nights, as I lay awake crying right next to you in our bed, while you're peacefully asleep. I thought you would be the one to love me forever, but I was wrong.

I was so wrong.

Everything happens for a reason, and you showed me I had to love myself. People may ask why it’s so hard to leave such an awful relationship, but I didn’t see it as just that. I fell in love with a completely different person than the one I ended things with. I was always hoping and praying you'd change back into the man I knew you could be.

You didn’t.

I am terrified that I won't be able to love anyone else's dimples or the way their breath wreaks in the morning, the way your arms felt wrapped around my body when I was shaking in yours. I am terrified of true love, because every time I think I've genuinely found it, I am proven wrong. I know you loved me for a little while, and I appreciate that more than you'll ever know, and I hope you never forget about me. I hope you look for me in everyone and everywhere and I hope you realize you’ll never be able to find me.

But for now, I have to worry about myself. We can't grow as people if everything is always easy, but it's taking so much out of me to not break from the trauma our relationship created. You made me feel like I was hard to love, and it's really starting to take its toll on me. I know that there is someone else out there for me who will cherish me endlessly.

I know there is someone out there who I won't have to beg to love me.

I know that I will never give so much of my heart to someone else ever again, and that's okay because I also deserve some of my love. For now, I have to be my own light through this tunnel of heartbreak, and once I'm out, I'll be able to thank you for making me a stronger and better person and forgive you.