I remember a time last semester when the cold of winter was slowly starting to disappear, spring was finally coming in and I was starting to come to terms with my anxiety. I walked out of my house and got inside my mom’s car like every day, completely prepared, completely normal, ready to take on another day. The morning progressed as usual. I was telling stories, asking questions and just being the generally hyperactive person that I am. I didn’t realize that I had forgotten my most important weapon. My headphones.
There’s no way to describe the fear that suddenly filled me after the realisation hit me. My heart started to beat fast, my hands got sweaty, and I felt sick to my stomach. I sat down to freak out for a couple of minutes, wondering how the day would go. Would I have to sit alone all day? How will I act while walking around campus? Do I have to talk to people now? Why am I so scared?
The anxiety got to me so much that I suddenly got up, made the short walk to the bookstore, and bought myself a new pair of headphones.
Headphones have sort of become like a safe haven for me. I never leave the house without them; I never get out of the car without them; I never keep an old, broken pair of them. The first things I always pack when I have a long trip are my headphones. The last thing I touch before I go to sleep are my headphones. They’ve become such a strong part of who I am, especially at the beginning of my college career.
The first time I went in to talk to someone about my anxiety, they suggested that I describe to them one thing that helps me relax; the only thing that popped into my head was my headphones. I could even wear headphones without listening to any music, in the middle of a crowd of a thousand people looking at me, and I would still be able to relax, even if it’s just a little bit. It is as if, as soon as I put on my headphones, I completely stop thinking about all the things I don’t need to think about, all the things that don’t make sense, or all the things that cause my anxiety. For the moment I have my headphones on, I am myself, even if it’s just for a moment inside my head. I can dance to the music in my head and it will make me smile because it so suffocating being in a position where you feel like people are judging everything you do. In the moments when I have my headphones on with the music blasting through my ears, the moments where I am just concentrated on the rhythm and the lyrics of the song, I don’t care about anyone else. No one can hear what I am hearing; I am not the center of attention anymore. When I have my headphones, I feel invincible. I feel safe. I feel like myself.
A lot of people wear headphones; I don’t know if it does the same for them as it does for me, but I always realize that the people who have headphones on always look happier, more focused, more relaxed. They seem more friendly and more welcoming because they walk while smiling and humming along to their songs. They seem like they are in control even if they might be a big mess when they take their headphones off. I feel like they are being themselves and don’t care what people might think seeing them dance a little on the sidewalk or say a random phrase.
Weapons are meant to make you feel powerful and to protect you, and that’s what I have found in my headphones. Every time I wear headphones, I’m reminded that there is a way out, a way to stop everything that is not going right, even if they do come back later. At least for the moment that I have my headphones on, I can be the happiest me and the me I want to be in a place where I usually would not.
What may seem annoying and trivial to some people can be really important to others.
