It's hard to picture losing someone who gave you life, someone who became your best friend and taught you everything you know. What's even worse, is realizing that the person may not be around for your most important life events.
Having a parent with cancer has changed my life. For the worst and best.
The day we got the test results back confirming my dad had cancer still lingers in my mind daily, it was one of the worst days of my life. The next 10 years of my life flashed before my eyes, I imagined losing him early on and how my wedding would look with him missing. I imagined the stories I would tell my future children about the great man their grandfather was, and how proud and how much he would have loved them.
Then I snapped out of it.
I wasn't going to lose him, he was going to be fine. I told myself over and over, "don't cry, everything with be fine" as much as everyone told me, and even I told myself how it would indeed be okay, I was still scared.
My dad has been the person to constantly argue with me, and love me unconditionally always. My best friend from the jump and the one to teach me all I know. From fishing and driving, to my first school concert in kindergarten to my high school graduation he's been there through it all.
Maybe that's why it was so hard for me to accept, that my best friend, the man I loved most in my life was about to have his whole life flipped upside down, and there is nothing I can do about it.
The past month has been the hardest for me, I've watched my dad become weak, and worn out for days on end - the person who never missed a day of work, lay in bed for days sick and in pain.
Nothing prepares you.
Nothing prepares you for the sickness, the fevers, and the countless ER trips, the hours of doctor appointments. It's something that takes time to get used to. It isn't like you're eased into it.. you're just thrown in and forced to deal with it.
It's the late nights wide awake because he can't sleep, it's stress on a Sunday morning and heartache in the afternoon.
Over, and over.
It's having to explain to friends why you don't want to leave the house because chemo has worn him out and making sure he's fine is more important.
It's taking care of someone who always made you their priority and took care of you, because now they're your priority.
Though most of its bad, some of it isn't. Cancer has taught me never to take a day for granted. Because things can change in a heartbeat. As well as to never lose faith, because faith is all you have.
I've learned it's okay to cry, it's okay to lean on others when you need to. It's a lot to take in, and keeping all your emotions inside isn't always the right answer.
And lastly, it's important to lean on friends and family. My family understands, they're hurting too, it's just harder for me to understand. In my case, my friends are the ones who have been the closest to me they're the ones to keep my mind off it all and help me keep my sanity. I can't think them enough for everything they've done for me.
Cancer may have been the biggest heartbreak, but it's also been a blessing in disguise.
