The hardest part of having cancer was not the disease itself. It was not the endless hours spent in the hospital undergoing chemotherapy treatment, the multiple spinal procedures, or the numerous side effects that went along with it. That would be considered the easier part because there was always a solution - some pill or anti-nausea medication to counter the effect. No, the hardest part was the reactions from others. It was hard enough that the moment I found out I had cancer, my life was put on hold. I had to become an adult. I had no time to process what was going on because I watched my parents crumble as they saw their only daughter fighting for her life. I could not cry, feel pity for myself or wallow in my own misery because I had to be the strong one to hold it together. I put on a brave face to hide the pain - it was the only thing I could do.
Everything was put on pause. I had to repeat my junior year because I was too weak to balance academics and treatment - it all became too much. So I took six months off of school and came back the following year. When I returned, my friends would not talk to me because they did not know how to approach me. My excitement to go back quickly disappeared and I would feel sick (when I was having a decent day physically) to my stomach at the thought of going to school the following day. Even when I was completely normal around people, they could not (or did not want to) reciprocate and continued to be awkward and uncomfortable. There would be long pauses in our conversations as if there was an elephant in the room. It was as if we had had a huge fight, and had not fully recovered from it. The worst part was that there was nothing I could do about it. I looked different - I was completely bald from losing my hair twice. I could not change that. Most of my junior year was spent covering my head with scarves, hats, and wigs to try and look as normal as possible. It's every 17-year old girl's nightmare. Add to the fact that I was never in class because I spent most of my days in the hospital/ICU and tried to balance school and treatment.
While I went through one of the hardest battles I would ever have to face, all I wanted was normalcy at school. Please understand that I am not blaming anyone for the way they reacted. All I am saying is that having cancer does not make you a completely different person. I may have looked a bit different because of my side effects, but I was still the same person on the inside. I still wanted to have normal conversations and have as normal of a life as I possibly could. I wanted to get away from everything else that was happening and normalcy was the solution. It is important to realize that sometimes we do not always want to be reminded that we are going through something - we just want to resume life in the best way we know how. We do not want to feel like outsiders because of something that we cannot control If people had been normal around me, I may not have been so afraid to tell anyone that I had battled cancer. Instead of being ashamed of this part of me, I may have actually been proud that I kicked cancer's butt. I would not broadcast it, but at least I would not feel like I needed to go out of my way to hide it.
