Often people who look at me think that I have got it all figured it out that I must not have a care in the world, the thing about shadows is that they walk behind us and not many can see them, so they assume that if they can’t see it then it doesn’t exist as if I’m crazy or different or maybe could it be that I’m seeing things. See the thing about pain is that it demands to be felt; it’s there even though you pretend is not, it’s hides in the dark where no one sees it but you. The thing is that they say that the scariest things hide in the dark.
So mommy tells us to smile, and to pretend and to be strong, because strong is the best thing a woman can be. But what about when you can’t take it anymore, when it hurts too much and it burns too deep, I ask, what then? Wow, I don’t like to talk about the problems.
I have anxiety.
It feels like the sun is shinning but the I’m the only one that feels the burn, that despite how fast your heart beats mine will always beat faster. I hear drums in my ears as If my brain was about to explode, that even though my blood is pumping through my heart my eyes are blurry like a broken record playing all the sounds at once.
And I don’t even realize that I’m staring into blank space, or I’m cracking my fingers or I’m looking at my nails because it all seems the same to me, like as if I was holding onto something pretending that I’m the only one standing between here and there. There’s nothing, there’s just feelings and I’m feeling all of them at once.
Anxiety feels like fire, like hot, frustrated lava melting through my body, and i can’t even make eye contact, not because I don’t want to look but because I am afraid you might here all the things my mind is thinking at that exact moment and all I’m focusing on the world crushing down and leaving me with all my insecurities. As if the solution to this is buried deep within the ocean. It feels like drowning, like you are speaking but there’s absolutely no one to hear, I feel like I’m screaming but it’s like a whisper to those around me. I look and I search but most of the time there is no problem, I’m running so fast, faster than what they’ve said a minute is, I’m looking for a solution, but there’s no rhyme nor reason, there’s just thoughts and I’m thinking all of them at this very second.
Most days are better than others. Some days are worst than those before.
But they are just days, and I’ve got tomorrow.
