Urban dictionary defines #RelationshipGoals like this: "when two people are in a relationship and girls envy them, usually a celebrity couple or popular couple in high school."
I'm pretty sure that from the outside, my current romantic relationship is one that people would call #RelationshipGoals. Not only are we freaking adorable, it definitely looks like we love each other a lot. We're high school sweethearts. We've loved each other through braces, horrible haircuts, and near death (actually literally). Now we are finishing our degrees, moving on to grad school, and planning a wedding. And you should be #TotesJellyBro.
Now that we've established that from the outside my relationship looks legit, it's time for the confession
It's real. I already have my otp.
Want to know why my relationship is #RelationshipGoals?
Well, we have goals for our relationship.
No, seriously. We have spoken rules about the way that we execute our relationship. There are many things that help us create the environment that we have, some are specific to us, but most are ideas and attitudes that you can apply to your relationship.
1. We never leave an argument unsettled.
We decided early that we hated unspoken tension. If one of us has something to say, we say it. There have been times that we are in the car on the way to an event hashing things out. When we get there, we put it on hold until we can finish the conversation. Sometimes the fight will start over text message and we will intentionally decide to put off the conversation until we can be together face to face. More than anything, when we argue, we both already know that we have to be the one to apologize first. There's no "last time I said sorry first" business. If you love that person, and you spoke out in anger you DO have something to be sorry for. Humble yourself and say it first. More than that, don't stop fighting until it's resolved. Once it's resolved, don't bring it up again. Make the appropriate adjustments and move on.
2. I think that I'm the reacher and he's the settler.
This is a concept that I held to, but didn't really have words for until an episode of #HIMYM put it into perspective. In this episode, Ted and Barney let Marshall know that in every relationship there is a "reacher" (the person who is reaching up out of their league) and the "settler" (the person who settled for someone beneath them). Marshall then spends the whole episode trying to get Lily to tell him which one she thinks she is. In the end, the magic of Marshall and Lily ends up being that they both think they are the reacher.
In my previous relationships I thought all the time, "I can do better than this person." In the end, that would be part of the reason we broke up. With my current S/O, I never think that. Actually, I constantly think, "Man, why did he pick me? He's so much better than me." I was so dorky. Braces, glasses, totally unhealthy... I mean, I got hotter, but still!
If you ask him, he'll say the same. He is constantly wondering why I stuck with him, out loud. He will look at me and say, "You are crazy for staying with me, but I love you for it."
The secret to maintaining that balance is always finding a way to put it in perspective. I am the reacher, he is the settler. In moments where I feel like I am better than he is, I find a way to remind myself the ways that he outshines me.
3. We use our love languages.
We already had a good handle on our love languages, but we are reviewing them right now in pre-marital counseling. If you don't know, Love Languages are a concept created by Gary Chapman. He has broken down the concept of showing love to another person into five categories: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts. He speculates that all people have a preferred method of receiving love from others and that locing a spouse, S/O, or even children and by using this preferred method their "love tanks" will stay fuller.
If you don't already put stock in love languages, start now. It will change your life.There's a quiz HERE that will help you discover your love language. It will break it down in percentages for how important each language is to you.
I am by far Words of Affirmation. He is SO good about using his words to let me know he loves me. Usually when we see each other his very first words are "I love you. I missed you. You're pretty." Just like that. You'd think that it would get old, but it definitely does not. His is Physical Touch. This just means that he really likes holding my hand. When we drive, I rest my hand on his neck. He likes hugs. All of these things help me say "I love you" the way that he hears it.
4. We make it a point to have mutual friends.
This rule has lot of reasons, and they are all important. I am going to attempt to briefly unpack this starting with how this "rule" came about.
First, it actually used to be a point of contention for me that he would go hang out with friends and wouldn't invite me. He knew that I was very introverted and thought that he was saving me the social pressure by not inviting me. I just felt like he was ashamed of me. Once we talked that issue out and he understood where I was coming from, we started being more deliberate about mutual friends. I wanted him to show me he was proud of having me as a girlfriend by showing me off to his friends. Now, most of the time we hang out in groups and occasionally independently.
Next, I have no male friends that he doesn't know. He has no female friends that I don't know. When I say "friends" I mean people that we regularly hangout with. He's a cheerleader. So, obviously there are few girls that he interacts with that I'm not also BFF's with. He makes it a point to introduce me to people that he thinks he will spend extra time with to safeguard our relationship. The moment that you say "Oh, I would never cheat on my S/O" is the moment you are faced with temptation. Know that it happens to the best of them and be deliberate about avoiding that temptation.
Lastly, having mutual friends means that you are hanging out with people who are encouraging you to be a couple. If his friends know me and love me, or course they are going to want him to be with me! However, if they don't know me, it will be harder for them to see why he loves me. You see what I'm getting at here?
Long story short, have mutual friends.
5. His personal goals are my personal goals.
Someday I will have a Ph. D and he will have a Juris Doctor. We will not stop encouraging each other until this happens. Right now, he's finishing his last year of undergrad and I'm two semesters deep in my Master's degree. We are both in St. Louis. Next year when he starts his law degree, depending on what school he gets into, we are going to have to make sacrifices. Right now, we don't know exactly what that looks like, but in my head it doesn't matter. I am going to do what I have to do to make sure that he goes to the best school. At the same time, he wants to help me reach my goals the best way possible. This applies to other things too. If I get an awesome role in a production, he's going to come to as many shows as possible to show his support even if he hates. In the same light, I go to as many home games as my schedule allows.
All in all, he's my best friend. We have more fun together than when we are apart and it shows. By no means are we perfect, but we work towards the common goal of being together forever. Do you have your otp? Tell me about how you make it work! I'd love to have more skills in my wheel house for loving the best way I possibly can! I hope that the goals I have in place for my relationship help you reach your #RelationshipGoals.
