I am an animal lover. I have written about dogs before, so we already know that they are important to me. Animals have always been important to me and a pretty big part of my life. I have my preferred species, obviously, just as ice cream lovers have their preferred flavors of ice cream. However, what it comes down to is a love of all animal life. That is, except for seals and sea lions. And you know what? For the rest of this article, I will refer to both of these animals as just "seals" for simplicity.
I hate seals.
Seals are the biggest jerks of the animal kingdom. You think they are cute, don't you? Well, I'm sure the kid version of Hitler was cute, too. The cuteness does not save from the fact that they are evil, disgusting, and fueled by racist and anti-religious feelings. I firmly believe that seals are one of the groups that are holding our country and society back in these increasingly progressive times.
Okay, let's slow down a bit and talk about why I feel this way.
Seals stink. They smell bad; they smell like fish and feces. Seals smell like a seafood market being run from a gas station bathroom. Oh yeah, and it's one of those bathrooms where you need a key on a stick to get into, which makes you think that it will be somewhat nice and well-kept, but are just as disappointing as the non-key bathrooms. That's right, seals are deceptive liars.
Seals are loud. They don't shut up, ever. Have you ever been to a large aquarium or even Sea World? You know, the fun places that lure in your children and make you pay to feed these beasts. The seals just sit there on a rock, as pretentious as can be, croaking and screaming at you until you throw one of those stupid little fish right into their stupid little face.
I am absolutely appalled that there are people who will correct me when I call a seal a sea lion or vice versa. Why? Because they are the same. They look similar enough, they're both jerks, they're both arrogant, and they're both loud and smelly.
I'm sure plenty of you who are reading this will disagree and want to point out how "different" they are. Believe so all you want, but if some guy with a Ph.D went on CNN and told the world that they're actually all just seals that look a little different, we would absolutely believe him and forever call sea lions seals. So I'm going to save Dr. Fishman the trouble and just do it myself. They're all seals and they're all awful.
What I am trying to say here is: get up and get out there in the real world. Educate yourselves. Go on hikes, pet some goats, meet some Buddhists, and feed some seals. You may just come to learn that hikes are hard, goats are fabulous, Buddhists make you happy, and seals are scummy. You'll never really know unless you try.
