When I was 10 years old I began a long and painful journey down the road of self destruction. Everyone that stood by me was taken with me. Everyone who watched me slowly kill myself didn't know what to do. They didnt know how to help me.
When I was 10 years old I began down a path of self harm and no one knew why. I'm not telling you because I want pity or for you to feel sorry for me. I want you to know that it's OK to ask for help. Cutting is an addiction. Something in your brain tells you that you need to do this in order for you to feel OK. From the first time you self injure yourself you know you have changed your life forever. You hate to do this, but something in your mind wants you to do this. It makes the pain go away, even if it's only for a few seconds. Alcohol and drugs have this same effect on the body. It's an addiction. It's a disorder. This disease is real.
I was hospitalized twice for my cutting disorder. The second time I was hospitalized was the worst. I was a freshman in high school. I was dating my crush that I had since eighth grade and it took awhile. I knew I was happy, but my mind kept telling me different. I was going to tech, I was pulling straight A's. But my self harm was more important, my mind kept telling me. There was something wrong and I never talked about it. I didn't think it was important. I didn't think I mattered.
My mom made me strip. Now, it wasn't normal for me to wear a sweatshirt 24/7, she knew something was wrong. That day I was taken to the hospital. That day I watched my brother fall to pieces. I watched my mom crumble before me. Over 1,000 cuts on the top of my arm and on my wrist and forearm. I had carvings in my arm, it bad gotten worse. I knew what I was trying to do. I knew what the goal of this was. Everyone knew what the goal of this was. I didn't want to live. I wanted one of those 1,000 cuts to hit just right. I was hospitalized for almost two weeks.
I was told so many things. I believed so many things. I am now years clean of self harm. It will be five this January. You have the urge in the back of your head all the time. You always want something to push you over the edge so you can snap. But you don't get that privilege. You are stronger then your cutting disorder. You can do so much with yourself. You will become something. You are alive for a reason. You must have something important still left to do here. You can get help, hope is possible. You will survive this.
