It's truly difficult to understand anxiety, even for someone who has it. I don't even fully understand my anxiety and I deal with it every day, every hour, and every minute of my life.
Everyone with anxiety experiences it differently. So there is no way we can all compare of the progress we are making with our mental health. We all have it different. And we all handle it differently.
All that should matter is this: I am trying.
I know those words mean probably nothing to you, but they mean everything to me. I am trying to overcome this. I am trying to help myself. I am trying to relax and enjoy life. Even if you don't see those things, I promise I really am trying my hardest.
It is hard. It is a constant battle.
But you all don't know how I really feel. So please stop telling me to "stop worrying."
If I could stop worrying I definitely would. I physically cannot stop worrying, that's what anxiety means...
Whether I am worrying about something important like whether the love of my life will ever understand me or something as simple as worrying about if you can smell my perfume enough in the morning. I am going to worry about those things all of the time.
And please please please stop telling me to calm down. Or to "take a chill pill." That actually makes it 10x worse than it already was.
I actually do have a chill pill. So yes, I will take one if I think i need to. I will take a "chill pill" just do I don't bother you. Now that sounds rude in a way, but when someone tells me to take a chill pill, that gives off the impression that I must be bothering you.
Quit telling me I control it. If I could control it, do you honestly think I would be typing this? No...
I mean if I controlled it I would have it. It's not up to me to be living this way. I didn't choose this.
I'm sorry I do little things like kick rocks or pick the skin around my nails or bite my lip, it just gives me something to focus on, away from what i'm worrying about at the time.
You think i'm not trying, but I am. I am trying as hard as I can.
Every day when I get up I hope and pray that i'll be able to make it through the day. I try to cover up all the worries and my fears so you don't see them and ask questions.
I try to put everything to the back of my mind so I can go and have a good day. I do this every single day.
Sometimes my days are great! I can go a day without showing my struggles. But, not everyday can be a good day.
There are days where i'll wake up and I feel a tightness in my chest before my feet even hit the floor. and so on those days I usually go and take "a chill pill."
So please understand that I can't control my anxiety. You putting me down isn't helping either, it's actually making it worse. All that should matter is that I am trying. You don't have to see my progress. Because I see it and I feel it. Progress is going longer and longer without a panic attack.
I'm trying. Deep down inside I am trying. I can't just leave this behind because it's part of me and it's stuck with me for the rest of my life.
But guess what, I have been working on my anxiety for several years now and I think I can really say that I am doing it. I am way ahead of my anxiety and I am in control.
But that doesn't mean all those things I said don't matter to me. I can deal with my anxiety. But the question is, can you deal with and love the person who lives with it day to day
