Silence slices you open like a knife, I suppose. I think it dug a little deeper each time I never responded to his apologies, pleas, happy birthdays, merry Christmases, happy new years, "I hope the new boyfriend is treating you right" and the several essay-length handwritten letters. I was not coming back. Despite what may have occurred, that was not my choice and I know my own worth enough to look up with a high chin.
He wanted the satisfaction of me yelling and screaming at him; he wanted to be released of his burdensome guilt. He requested that I even throw dirt on his face. You see, forgiveness was a self-process to me in this case. I cut the tie the moment I knew for sure; he never got a goodbye at all really because I did not feel as though it was deserved from me. He had chosen her, while he was with me. I worked on forgiving him on my own time and through working out emotions. That forgiveness freed me though; there was no need to have him involved in the process. He felt he needed forgiveness, but he was not going to get it from me when he made the choice. He had to forgive himself on his own. Otherwise, he would never truly heal.
I learned a lot about myself through the process. I don't regret it if I'm being completely honest. I had a year and half of many laughs with him that I'm grateful for. Then I learned many things and I'm glad I did at a relatively young age. I don't think it's my place to judge him for his actions, especially when I never cared enough to ask the reasoning behind why. For that reason, in fact, I'm very grateful.
I learned that sometimes you will simply never understand another person's actions, you cannot make ghosts from another's past disappear, and you will never be able to control a manipulative person no matter how hard you try to. Through this process, I found out who my true friends are, that yes moms are right 99% of the time, and the person you deserve is the one who thinks they don't deserve you.
The other girl never had anything I didn't have. I'm not here to bash on another girl because clearly if she knew what she was doing, there was hurt happening much deeper down in her. However, I will say that regardless of if the mistress knows she's one or not, don't place your hate on her. You're dating your now ex-boyfriend, not her. Don't waste your energy. Once a cheater...Always a cheater.
And if you, M.B., happen to come across this, I wish you nothing but the best. I hope someday you figure out the first key to a happy relationship is that it's with one person.
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