My forgiveness does not equate my reconciliation, and it should not for you either. I often hear phrases such as, “We’re still in each other’s lives because we forgave each other…” or my personal favorite, “We’re still friends because we’re trying to be adults about it. We forgave each other…” Great, forgive people for their misdeeds! I argue, however, that keeping toxic people in your life for the sake of forgiveness is not really forgiveness at all because you will undoubtedly return to the vicious cycle that originally started your decision to forgive in the first place. Unless a person has gone through some real, serious change, they are the exact same toxic person you decided you did not want in your life to begin with. Then you decided to forgive them and somewhere along the way got confused thinking forgiveness was synonymous with reconciliation. Let me clear: you do not owe anyone your life. You do not owe anyone anything, really, but certainly not being a part of your life.
Keeping toxic people in your life because you forgave them is like continuing to eat a rotten apple because it’s your favorite fruit. That doesn’t make sense; we throw away rotten food, not eat it. We still love apples, but we don’t need that apple anymore because it’s gross. It would make us sick to eat it, so why would we harm ourselves for the apple?
Forgiveness is an individual, internal act. It doesn’t need a second party involved. Forgiveness is your personal time to process through the hurt, understand the situation, and let go of the grudge you hold against the offender. Said offender doesn’t need to be there for any of that, though. They don’t even need to know you went through that process at all. For example, let’s say John does something absolutely horrible, something almost unforgiveable, but you’re still willing to forgive him. Before you’re able to tell him, though, he changes all of his contact information and moves to Mars. How can you forgive him without telling him? You just do it. You forgive for yourself. You forgive to let the bitterness go. You forgive for your own mental health. John doesn’t need to know about it, and in this scenario he literally can’t. It doesn’t mean your forgiveness is any less valid because you didn’t tell John. Your forgiveness was never about John. It's about yourself.
Reconciliation is an interpersonal act where you and the wrongdoer have a conversation about what he or she did to hurt you, actively listen, and begin to reestablish the trust that was broken. Yes, it includes forgiveness, but it moves far beyond just that. It takes one person to forgive, and it takes two to reunite—to reconcile. Reconciliation should also only occur if the offender has apologized, taken responsibility for the harm they caused, and taken steps to make it right. If not, all you’re doing is allowing their toxicity back into your life to repeat the harm.
Lewis B. Smedes said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.” I think that’s a truly beautiful way of looking at forgiveness because it reinforces that it’s for yourself and independent of another person. Don’t reconcile because you think it’s forgiveness; forgive because you know it will liberate you from them.
