For most people, happiness is a very natural, normal emotion and they feel it quite often. For others, such as myself, that is a courtesy life did not extend to us.
For me, happiness is not free. Instead happiness is something I must fight for tooth and nail. I am often in a constant battle with myself just to experience a few moments of happiness.
And what do I have to thank for this every day struggle to keep a genuine smile on my face?
That would be my depression.
A lot of people don’t think depression is a real thing.
They can’t see it, or touch it, so how can they prove that it exists?
“You’re making yourself feel this way.”
“You could get over it if you wanted.”
“You just want to feel bad for yourself.”
“It’s all in your head.”
Every time I hear one of those comments or something like it I have to fight the urge not to punch the person who said it.
This is not something I wanted or asked for. This is something that has ruined some of the best things for me. In many ways it is like a nightmare I am unable to wake up from.
But the reality is that depression it something I must live with. It is a monster who has taken shelter in my soul.
While I could dwell on the negatives of depression I have opted to do the opposite this time. Instead let me share something positive living with depression has taught me.
While happiness is not something I feel every day, it does on occasion make an appearance. Because I know how rare of an emotion this is to feel I savor every euphoric moment that I can.
I notice even the smallest bit of happiness in myself and I hold on extra tight to memories of laughing so hard my stomach hurts.
If you have ever done something to make me genuinely happy, I remember it. And I treasure it.
On the really bad days, when the depression feels bigger than I can handle, I pull out those memories of days filled with constant face-splitting smiles and replay them in my head. It doesn’t take the depression away, but it does knock it down a few pegs, and that makes more of a difference then you could imagine.
Depression has taught me to not take my happiness for granted and to notice when it is there. I have learned how to surround myself with people who lift me up and how to walk away from people who only drag me down. It has made me more open-minded and filled my heart with a need to help others going through something similar.
I am still very much learning how to live with my depression and how to find happiness more easily and frequently. Some days it seems impossible, but when I look at how far I have come from my starting point I can’t help but smile and feel a little bit of –
Wait, what is that?
Oh, it’s my dear friend happiness, coming for a visit.
