I never expected what happened next. I thought it was a lost cause when you feel the way I felt. Then, something happened, something amazing and unforeseen. He loved me back.
When you're damaged and trying incredibly hard to rise up out of a depressed that controlled you for several years, you don't really expect your life to get better anytime soon. You hope that it does, and hold onto that feeling, but you don't expect happiness to be right under your nose.
He'd been there to hold her in his arms and carry her through the pain caused by her ex. He was always there to wipe her tears on his T-shirts, and listen to the words that hurt her to say, even time and time again, the pain in the words has never been able to fade. He held her when that mean boy made her cry, which was just about everyday. He spent time with a girl crying over another guy, and she had no idea all along that'd he'd been there; he loved her; she had no idea what she meant to him; she had no idea how much he really cared; and then she saw that all along, he's been right there, right under her nose. She was me; and he is mine. And then, he kissed me. Everything changed. We ran away together, we fell in love, and we continue to fall in love everyday. After the pain that I went through, I'd convinced myself that love was a fairytale, and it's simply a bi-product of our different perceptions. But there's no hiding how his lips felt on mine, even that first time. I had no idea what it meant; but I knew that kind of feeling wasn't the kind of feeling you should let go. Just yesterday, it felt every stressor disappear when my arms fell into his and he pulled me close for a hug.
How is this important? Why do I care? Hear me out.
This is a virtual hug to the depressed, the lonely, the hopeless, the fearful; the sad, the frustrated, the confused. I mean to tell you, that it actually gets better. Once you stop trying so hard and let yourself into the embrace of the world around you, it becomes a less scary place. Raising your head doesn't feel as terrifying once you're looking straight ahead. People aren't hard to talk to when you realize they are just like you, same fears and thoughts in their heads; we don't really care what a person looks like; we care about how they treat us, but so does everybody else; and that's, what we often forget.
When you let the cloud lift and your future is visible thanks to the light of the sunshine that you can once again see. Depression is often blinding. We aren't able to see the beauty around us; our heads are too focussed on remaining unnoticed, trying not to fall apart. We forget how beautiful the leaves of the trees are when they sway in the gentle breeze; we forget how nice it is to lay down with someone you love in a field of flowers and name the clouds until the sky fades into a canvass painted with stars and galaxies millions of light years away. My eyes opened slowly. I experienced these free luxuries for what felt like the very first time. I saw the flowers and I stared at them for hours. They are so beautiful, I would think to myself. I would smell the roses and tear up because I didn't know anything with thorns could be so beautiful and sweet. I no longer feared the sunshine peering out of the clouds, as it has always depressed you before, as the clouds always kept you comfort in your gray; they made you feel like you belonged even when you were alone. And then there was water; water filled my soul and ran softly through the veins of my body. I felt beautiful and one with the sea. The rain fell on the pavement but I didn't care that the raindrops were soaking my skin. "It was beautiful. It was amazing. There is water coming from the sky, water that waters the forests and provides relief to the desert; oh how amazing water is, and how amazing is what it does. And oh, how amazing Earth is." But what was most amazing, the sunsets and sunrises. "I couldn't believe that their beauty was natural; the colors were so bright; the sunset began a new day; the earth had already made a full rotation; we are connected to space and effects of the universe millions and millions of light years away. The sunset is the ending, a serene reminder that the day is done, and now we may rest." My friends got tired of my euphoria very quickly. "Yes Katarina. There are flowers. They're pretty. Stop talking about them. Of course, being me, I did not listen. For why deny myself the joy filling my soul.
I promise you (going out on a limb here), that you feel feel these things too. You will see your future PAST TODAY! Your DREAMS WILL RETURN TO YOUR HEART. You'll open up your heart to love and kindness. You'll rediscover your passions, your hobbies. You'll fill your life with happy things, positive thoughts, beautiful reminders to stay inspired. "Don't look back; you're not going that way." I have a decoration hanging on my wall by the front door of my cozy shoebox apartment in New York that has this quote written on it. I never realized that some little wall decoration could have any impact, but every time I see it, I let the regret I may be ruminating on disappear. Fill your home with love, reminders that life is what you make it, little signs, little reminders.
The most beautiful blessing I received when I stepped out of the dark tunnel and into the light; the discovery that I am most grateful for, is finding all the love from the people that have always been supporting me, the ones I thought I'd shut out when I became morose, they were there, and they always had been right there, right there under my nose.
