For the first time in the almost two decades of me living, I can confidently declare that I am the happiest that I have ever been. I am so grateful for the amount of friends and family that I have supporting me in whatever I choose to do, and I hope to cherish those relationships for as long as humanly possible.
But recently, I've been seeing some friends of mine who haven't been going through the happiest of times, and it pains me to see people I care about going through a situation that I too have struggled with. A few of my friends have just been diagnosed with depression, something I struggled with from middle school through almost all of high school. For those that have never experienced this sort of weight on your shoulders - as well as your soul - there isn't one way to describe the way that you're feeling, at all times, and for me, it took years to dig myself out of the rut that I was in.
Fortunately, I was never physically bullied, but I did undergo subtle bullying from girls suffering from the "queen-bee syndrome." This, along with hating my body and overwhelming insecurity, contributed to my depression, which almost caused me to change schools. Somehow, I learned by the time I was in high school that I was a unique individual whose own thoughts mattered to me more than anyone else's. So, after years of torment and suffering in silence, I emerged resilient, and continue to inspire others to do so too.
This past summer was spent working on myself. Three months of exercising, expressing self-love and self-confidence, and, for the most part, alone time. In the past, I've had trouble being by myself, but after learning to do things for myself and to ignore what everyone else is thinking about me, I can go and do anything independently, and that sort of feeling is exhilarating.
Loving yourself is a struggle that every girl has had, has currently, and will have for the rest of time. Through feminist movements such as #freethenipple, #loveyourlines, and #redmylips, we have already begun to create a deeper cut in the social construct of gender equality. I love my body, though it may not be Kardashian-built, and I work hard to keep it that way. I don't have time in my typical 16 hour day to worry about what a boy thinks about my curves or what bra size I wear. I'm excited that I can voice the way I feel about my body in my own way, and that there is a growing support group of women (and men!) that encourage me to do so.
One of the first things you have to learn is that you will never be perfect.
I used to imagine that my life would end up almost exactly like a fairytale (my husband will be buying me a castle) and that I had to get through a little nitty-gritty to get there. After battling with insecurity and body image issues for years of my early adolescence all the way until now, I've begun to accept the things that I can't change, and work hard to improve on the things I can change.
No one has to understand your journey. It is not theirs. They are not you.
I like to imagine that my life is just a series of phases (including an entire eight weeks of last semester, when I listened to 90s rap every day on the bus to class), and that all of our phases collectively make up how diverse and interesting we all are. If you are trying to do something for yourself, and someone doesn't believe you can justify it, it isn't up to them. They can have their own journey, and you can have your own.
Love can wait.
As someone who has never been in a serious relationship, I find that you really have to love yourself first in order to love someone else. If a relationship falls through or endures a rough patch, it is up to only you to pull yourself out of the rut. Expanding on this idea, I believe that I’m not searching for my other half, because I’m not a half. I am a complete soul that is looking for the company of another complete soul. That's why you find your soulmate, not just your soul.
Stop and smell the roses every once in a while.
Both literally and mentally, it's good to look at each day by itself, a series of life's moments and memories all rolled into one 24 time period, in which you are alone with your thoughts at all times. Once you start appreciating all that life has to offer, you forget about the things that are causing you unnecessary stress.
To all that I know and love, I thank you immensely for taking the time to be in my life, because without you, I wouldn't be who I am today.
