If I am being honest, I must confess that I did always believe that having a big heart was a wonderful treasure. Sure, on the surface, who wouldn’t want to be able to love deeply, smile often, and laugh with a sincere joy? All of the positive aspects of being vulnerable are indisputable, as there truly are many benefits to showing such raw emotions. However, you cannot have those feelings of incandescent positivity without experiencing pain. As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes the pain feels too insurmountable to bear.
Ever since I was young, I was sensitive and compassionate. I never just admired something or someone, I adored them. Unfortunately, for a little girl with a big heart, this world can be a disaster zone. Eventually, I became accustomed to the heartache that this world entails, but along with that came this overwhelming desire to numb out my emotions. I had heard for years that I was too emotional, too sensitive, etc. I apparently needed to “toughen up,” and “not care so much.” I knew that being sensitive had perks and I didn’t want to hide away a huge part of my identity, but the desire to fit in and please others outweighed the notion to stay true to myself.
I hid away all my emotions; tucked them away into the deepest parts of my soul. I forgot how to express myself and my emotions. I lost such a great amount of self-awareness that I didn’t even recognize the reflection in the mirror. Depression engulfed my heart and I couldn’t seem to navigate a path out of the hole I had dug for myself.
It would take years for me to realize the importance of being sensitive, compassionate, vulnerable, and loving. I had believed, for so long, my voice didn’t matter and my thoughts were not worthy of being heard. I had wired my mind to replay such thoughts over and over again until I knew no different. In order to change such a constant stream of negative thinking, I would have to completely relearn who I was, what I believe, and why I am important. Trust me, for a girl who thought she had no worth, this was not an easy task.
Eventually, I discovered how to cope and change the dialogue in my head. I replaced the negative thoughts with the truth about my identity and my heart. I am not going to lie. The path to vulnerability was scary as hell. However, through lots of tears and hard work, I realized that my heart was not something I could just turn off. Even when I tried to numb out my feelings, they were still there and needed to be expressed. With the help of some pretty amazing people, I learned that being sensitive was not a crime I should punish myself for; my heart was big and needed to be handled with care, not punishment.
Dear one, learn from my mistakes. Do not try to find an “off” switch to your heart. It is a gift to feel, to experience, to witness emotions. It may not always be pretty or fit in a perfectly wrapped package, but I promise that the pain you feel will not last forever. There is joy ahead, and I ask that you find the strength to carry on. Feeling emotions is a vital part to human existence, and removing that from your life will leave you dead inside. Keep fighting, because the other side is a beautifully chaotic masterpiece of life.
