There are so many things I want to tell you, and I know to talk about it in person can be easier, but I've tried.
It just wasn't enough. I tried to see your side of things, but the more I look into it, the more it makes me feel like maybe this was just a game. One of my biggest questions is: How did we get here?
Things seemed to be moving forward and it was moving quickly. It's funny how you used to say you wanted me from the moment you saw me but were too scared to talk to me and asked co-workers about me. It was super cute. It still makes me smile.
You used to ask me how I noticed you and I always just said a blunt answer. I saw you delivering a package up at the front once and started to ask around about you as well. I go back and forth in my mind if I regret giving you my number that night when we started talking. My answer is yes and no. Yes because where we are now is not good and it breaks my heart. But at the same time, no because everything happens for a reason and even though it's not how I wanted it to end, I know there's a reason for it. (Even if I don't agree with it).
We started out as I don't even know what and we moved so fast. Yes, sometimes it's bad to do that, but sometimes there's a reason for it, and with us, it just felt like everything was right. I'm not sure and I can't seem to place my finger on it, but you just had everything I wanted in a person and I hoped you felt the same way too. It seemed impossible for there to be only friendship in our cards after the way we connected. You made me feel things in such a short amount of time that I've never felt before with anyone else.
A conversation with you felt like it would last forever. You had this way of always knowing how to calm me down when I was upset or just how to put a smile on my face. Even when I was annoyed with you I couldn't be for too long because you found a way to just make me giggle again. I always wanted to be with you, and when we were apart, I counted down the minutes until the next time we were together. I never wanted this to end, but sadly, all good things come to an end, I guess.
You started sending me short answers or not talking to me as much. We had a few fights and shit - all relationships have those. I know I did somethings that make you wonder if I was telling the truth or why I was saying stupid things. I'm human. I have flaws and say things that I don't mean from time to time. I have never lied to you, though.
I may have not told you the full reason why I didn't take the job, but that's because of you. I wanted to see where things went with us. It's crazy to think that knowing someone for such a short time could make such an impact me. Some people may think that's crazy, but hey, that's what happens when you care about someone so much.
The ideas conjured in my head of what we could have been are now just a fantasy. Deep down, I think I always knew you would never feel the way I felt about you, but I was hoping it could be. I wanted you to want me more than anything. The more we talked, the stronger my feelings grew. The way I felt about you just wasn't enough. Nothing I did ever made a difference. I cried over you, which was a big deal. Knowing you would never see me the way I see you hurt. It sucks knowing you still matter to me, yet you don't feel the same.
Do you know how exhausting it is to constantly overthink the simplest of things? You had me stay at your place countless times and called me babe and said I was the only girl you wanted. You let me meet your daughter, which I knew you never did with anyone else. I fell for her as well. She had so many things about her that reminded me of you. I may have met her one time, but the way you looked when she was there made me fall for you even more.
You called me babe and took care of me in a way no one else has before. The worst part is I don't blame you, even though I wish I could. From the start, you said we should just be friends, but that didn't stop you from doing things that made me feel the way that I do. It drives me crazy knowing I became "that girl" who fell for the guy who wanted to be "just friends." It might have not been the same for you, but the time we shared made me glow. I dream of the day when I no longer get butterflies from just hearing your name. I don't want to be held down by what will never be.
I hope you can understand that no, I don't want to be just your friend. I want more, but at the same time, I just want it all to stop. You don't get to act like everything is cool between us and just think that I'll be okay having the feelings that I do. I'm tired of feeling like maybe something will change when I know it never will. I hope one day you will find someone who you care about like I care about you. And for your sanity, I wish that she feels the same way back.
