Your Guide To Watching The MLB Playoffs
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Your Guide To Watching The MLB Playoffs

Who should you root for?

Your Guide To Watching The MLB Playoffs

There are four teams left in the MLB playoffs, which means 26 fanbases need to decide who they are going to root for to win the World Series. Instead of grappling with this (really, really easy) decision yourself, I've taken the liberty of figuring it out for you.

Toronto Blue Jays

Does Canada have Internet access yet? Can they read this article? The only Canadians who are going to see this are those women Drake brings back to his house.

That means I won't get backlash when I say what everyone else is afraid to: Canadians don't count when we talk about baseball. They can be allowed to have opinions about baseball just like I'm allowed to have an opinion about the best way to make maple syrup. But what I think about tree juice doesn't matter the same way it doesn't matter what Canadians think of America's best invention since freedom.

Why does Canada even have an MLB team? The greatest moment in Blue Jays history was in 1993 when Joe Carter gave Drake a legendary album cover. That's everything that has happened in the history of the Blue Jays.

Yes, the 7th inning of Game 5 last week was an all-timer, but that does not whitewash the inherent boringness of an entire country.

Rootability: 0 out of 10

Kansas City Royals

Are we even sure Kansas City exists? I don't know anybody who claims to have been there. It wasn't even mentioned in "The Wizard of Oz." Nobody can root for a team from a place that might not be, and as "Game of Thrones" enlightened us, rooting for nomads never turns out well.

Sorry, Eric Hosmer.

Rootability: TBD, pending results from the exploratory expedition.

New York Mets

Babies in the New York metropolitan area are born into one of two caste systems. The first group enjoys a life of unfathomable wealth, influence and power. These people have an unparalleled history of hegemony combined with a limitless future where the sweet fruits of success are always in reach on the fast-approaching horizon. The intersection of pride in the past and hope for the future meet at a joyous present where people live a life as close to perfection as exists in the natural world.

The others become Mets fans. These downtrodden, lowly bottom feeders of society are forced to scrape together any shred of hope as sustenance to feed upon.

To guard against their vulnerabilities, Mets fans must stomp on the egos of other fanbases to give themselves a schadenfreude joy. Typical examples of this behavior include, "At least we're not the Cubs," "At least we're not the Red Sox" (abandoned in 2004) and, "At least Bernie Madoff is in jail."

Mets fans may even concoct vivid fantasies to distract themselves from their miserable existence, like that David Wright is still alive or that Matt Harvey won't sign with the Yankees in 2018.

In the end, though, the Mets fans' dreams always fail to come to fruition. The hope they had been consuming fades away, and in the end the Mets fan is forced to consume himself.

It is in this context of the twisted genetic lottery of the Big Apple that Mets fans must be observed.

How could you not root for an underdog story like this? Occupy Wall Street taking over the stock exchange wouldn't flip the New York power structure as fast as the Mets winning the World Series.

Rootability: 8 out of 10

Chicago Cubs

Even for the Mets, who are so used to the rug being swept out from under them like this time or this time or really any moment from the last 60 years, this is one of the most Mets things that could happen. They are pitted against the only team on Earth who could garner more sympathy than them: the Chicago Cubs.

The Mets and Cubs are playing each other for the right to go to the World Series. This is like two homeless guys fighting over the winning lottery ticket. Each of them deserves it, but they're probably going to rip it in half in the process.

Everyone knows the Cubs haven't won a World Series in over a century, back when the Ottoman Empire was still a thing and diarrhea was the fourth leading cause of death. That alone is enough for everyone with a pulse to root for them to win.

Furthermore, they have a demigod playing third base.

Warning: Do not stare directly into Kris Bryant's eyes.

But even without Bryant's intoxicating gaze, the Cubs are the team to root for because destiny is on the line.

As has been widely publicized, "Back to the Future Part II" predicted the Cubs would end their World Series drought in 2015. This movie was made in 1989. This means that the Cubs winning the World Series proves the existence of time travel, witchcraft, fate or some combination of the three.

This isn't about baseball; it's about a litmus test of mankind's greatest questions. Go Cubbies.

Rootability: out of 10

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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