Driving up the hill, the view of the water and the trees were breathtaking. The sun started to go down and the clouds started to leave the sky. A beautiful warm day with a slight breeze that flowed through the branches. Sounds beautiful and still does. That would be a good memory, except for the fact that we were going to visit my father at the rehabilitation center he was staying at.
My father is an alcoholic that was in and out of different rehabilitation centers and programs for several years. I was too young to completely understand why he was away for so long. And as I got older, I couldn't understand why nothing was working. All that I could completely grasp was that my father liked to drink and that got him into trouble. He couldn't work or take care of us, so his drinking took over our lives. But the worst part was all of the fighting.
Nobody loves my little brother and me more than our parents, and that has never changed. And our parents have always loved each other, even though there were times I wished they didn't. The parts that I remember the most about my dad's drinking was the fights between my parents. Screaming and yelling became a regular event in our household. At the worst point of everything, my hope was that they would file for divorce. No child ever wants their parents to divorce, but I did. In my mind, if they got a divorce then the fighting would stop. Now I am mature enough to understand that divorce doesn't stop the fighting, but at the time it seemed to make sense. It was a toxic cycle of fighting and trying to make things work. My dad would come home from another rehabilitation program only to end up drinking again. He would be kicked out of the house so my little brother and I wouldn't see him drunk. After a couple days, my dad would beg my mom for forgiveness and tell her that things were going to change. She would forgive him and they would be loving and caring until the cycle repeated itself. This happened for several years until one day things changed.
To this day, I am not sure how my dad did it but I guess that part doesn't quite matter. I am proud to say that my father has been sober for many years now and that those days are distant memories. No longer am I angry or resentful for the situations that we were put into because of my dad's addiction. No longer do I question why he didn't just stop drinking. Alcoholism is an addiction. Addiction is a disease. Period. For him, drinking became an escape and an obsession. That escape and that obsession took over his life. My dad is an alcoholic. Not was an alcoholic, he is. That disease never goes away, but the times that he spent trying to gain back his family's trust are long gone. To this very day, my dad still carries the guilt for what we went through and blames himself for the hardships that we have faced. To this day, my dad continues to try and make up for the times lost. He made mistakes when I was younger, but that doesn't take away from him being a good parent.
My dad loves his family more than anything and I know in the end that we are the reason he stopped the cycle in its path.
Alcoholism is a serious problem and its repercussions affect everyone. Help is there, you just have to be willing to accept it. And if you are are a child of an alcoholic, know that it isn't your fault and there is nothing you can do to help them. But you can help yourself. You will have to mature and understand things much faster than everyone else your age. It can be a scary and confusing situation so knowing when to ask for help is the best advice I can give. My situation was and is a lot easier compared to a lot of kids with parents who have an addiction but going through something so traumatic at an early age can and will affect anyone. It doesn't make me weak and it doesn't make me any less stable than someone who had it much easier. However, sometimes a little perspective can help. We are not our parents and just because our parent is an addict doesn't mean we will be.
