Growing up with a parent or parents that chose alcohol over you, is one of the most damaging and emotional draining situations you can ever be put in without a way to get out. I know from first-hand experience how incredibly rough it can be, but I promise you it will be okay.
I think that one of the hardest things to accept about alcoholism is that it is a drug and disease. I don't really think any alcoholic who has gone through rehab or something along those lines would say that it was something that they wanted, it sometimes can be genetic or generate through various reasons like PTSD. Just because they have a drinking problem, does not mean they are a bad person. Sometimes it seems like the best thing to do is give up on them, but you wouldn't want someone to do that to you. I love them, though, they're family.
It becomes scary if it is genetic, though. I lived my whole high school experience terrified that if I even had one sip of alcohol before I was 21 that I would become an alcoholic eventually when I got older. You never want others to see you the way you have seen your parent(s) because you know exactly how foolish and sad you look.
The amount of times growing up that I spent in my room just wondering why my parent had to chose this lifestyle was beyond me. I gave my parent multiple times to choose alcohol or a relationship with me. I already knew what the answer would be and that's what ripped my heart to pieces. I couldn't understand why. Was I not good enough to deserve that love ran through my mind every night before I went to bed and it destroyed me. What destroyed me even more, was that the parent that was an alcoholic slowly began to rub off on the other. Drinking more than just the weekends became drinking while balancing the check book, drinking with dinner, drinking before bed, drinking after a stressful day at the office. I hated to watch it. It was the worst thing to happen to my family because as the alcoholic began to get sober, the other became worse as the weeks went on.
As I previously said, it destroyed me. I was what I guess you could say...officially "broken" or "damaged goods." I put a wall up the size of the Great Wall of China and it has been hard. Even letting it down the slightest, makes me feel so vulnerable and exposed. I began to struggle with depression and I remember vividly the day that I went to talk to a professional. I broke, everything came out, all the tears and emotion just poured out. It made me feel better for a few days but then it just became an ongoing cycle that I couldn't find a way out.
It takes time but there is a solution to anything. It may take weeks, months, or years but things get better. Please know that it is never your fault. Don't blame yourself or let it question your worth because you are so much more.
If you or any loved one is in need help, please do not be embarrassed because it is never too late to call the 24/7 hotline: 1-877-534-5673.
"she wasn't broken, she was just bent. over the chance of being ignored by the one she loved." -R.M. Drake
with love,
cgl
