I was an anxious mess during the several months leading up to the start of my first semester of college.

Deciding to attend a school three hours away from my hometown that only two other people in my graduating class had also committed to felt like a big no and a gigantic leap for me. The kind that shoots your stomach all the way up into to your throat while free-falling into the unknown. Yeah, that kind of leap. You see, I've never really been all that great at making friends (or keeping them) being that I am a complete and utter homebody and one awkward conversation away from reaching complete loner status. Yet there I was, forced to either hide away in my dorm for months or branch out and become the social butterfly I had happily suppressed for the past eighteen years of my life. At the time, the situation seemed very hot or cold to me.

That's exactly why Greek life seemed so perfect for me. Words like "family," "bridesmaids," and "home away from home" were tossed my way and I ate it up. So, like any other impressionable and socially awkward freshman college girl, I eagerly filled out the recruitment application and waited patiently for August to roll around so that I could find my forever friends. For someone that has struggled her entire life to make solid, lasting friendships that dig past this surface of basic acquaintanceship, this seemed like the perfect opportunity.

I really thought that it might actually work despite some of the nay-sayers and backlashes I had received back home claiming that I just wasn't cut out to be Greek. I had a blast during the recruitment process and bonded with several of the girls in my group. I felt like I really had the potential to find my niche in one of those organizations. I did as they said and held a smile on my face the entire week. The girls in each house spoke of growth and womanhood, and I could feel myself yearning for the acceptance and belonging they seemed to have to offer me. When Bid Day rolled around, I ran into the arms of one hundred strangers and, for the first time in my life, felt like I had the potential to have a solid friend group.

Cue the scratch of the record.

As a disclaimer, I have to say that before I talk about my own personal experience, I think it is important to read it as just that: my experience. I know girls that felt the exact same way that I did, but I also know girls that fell head-over-heels in love with the Greek system. I think it is important that, before passing judgment on something like becoming a member of a sorority, you have to actually participate and then decide how you feel about it because the experience is different for everyone. From what I've learned, Greek life is all about the individual person, not the stereotypes people stick to it.

With that being said, it wasn't for me.

As the weeks progressed, the new began to wear off and I felt myself slowly drifting to the back of the room, as always, mindlessly looking at the floor as everyone around me filled the air with laughter and gossip. There were so many connections between the girls (i.e they went to the same school, their moms were best friends, etc.) that shaped into so many different cliques. I immediately created a certain insecurity and sense of exclusion in my mind due to my complete lack of connection with anyone, and the more I thought about how different I felt, the more I began to isolate myself.

Don't get me wrong, all of the girls I had the chance to speak with were always so nice and genuine. As a matter of fact, I met some incredibly admirable women throughout my time in the house. However, I never really felt like an actual member of the group. Something in my personality never really allowed me to push past the gates and let these girls in; I never clicked. I spent the majority of my time on the sidelines, watching budding friendships and utter love for the organization bloom all over my Instagram feed and the more I saw the way these girls revered our sorority, the more I realized I just wasn't that into it.

I really struggled with finding the nerve to even try socializing with my sisters and never really hung out with any of the girls outside of structured events. What little conversations I had usually revolved around where I bought my dress from- it was constant small talk or forced chatter. To put it bluntly, there was a major personality clash happening. The atmosphere was always very social (and loud) and that has just never been who I am. I like to think of myself as a self-proclaimed wallflower. I'm one of those people that really only talks to someone that I don't know that well if I'm addressed, so most of the time I just kept relatively quiet and to myself.

The more I evaluated my situation, the more I realized Greek life as a whole just wasn't me or what I wanted for myself. A lot of the girls loved to party (yes, it is a real thing), and I didn't want to be the person that lived from Thursday to Thursday. I had no desire to participate in the overly-competitive competitions for a measly trophy or attend the different events that I dreaded looking at on my calendar. I didn't want to have to pay a fine every time I didn't want to go to something and I was tired of spending hours awkwardly fiddling with my hands when I was forced away from the few friends I had. I often felt like a lot of the Greeks in general, put themselves above non-Greeks, and being totally honesty, I just didn't want to be associated with that.

I didn't really have a grasp on what Greek life entailed before I went through the recruitment process. All that I knew was that everyone I had ever known that went Greek plastered pictures everywhere, looking like they had simply waltzed in and gained one hundred of their newest and closest friends... and I longed for that. I never really considered that, logically, that was impossible and that not everyone makes friends that way. As a matter of fact, the closest friends I made my freshman year were not in the sorority, but rather in my classes or dorm. People like me very rarely thrive in a group like that, and I have accepted that the life of a sorority girl was just not for me.

I rode it out until the end of my freshman year, but finally decided to disaffiliate when my second semester of college came to a close.

I made several friends throughout the process who were sad to see me go but showed that we didn't need a sorority to remain friends, and I'm sure there are also people that never even really knew I was there in the first place.

If I had to take anything from this experience, it would be that trying new things is good, but it's also okay to quit if it isn't what you thought it would be. I was raised on a philosophy of "if you commit to it, you're going to stick to it," and so that was a hard fact for me to face. There's nothing wrong with testing out your options rerouting if the first plan isn't right for you. At the end of the day, I think it's important to shut out all of the outside chatter and decide what you really want for yourself and then create a path from there.

Am I saying that Greek life is horrible and you should avoid it at all costs? Absolutely not.

I think that being a member of a sorority is a great platform and can contribute so positively to one's life. However, I do want to note that it takes a certain kind of person to love and thrive in the organization, and I was not that person. If you're interested in recruitment at all, I think it's important to keep an open mind and just go for it. You might be surprised at how much you love it- I watched so many girls bloom as soon as they got those letters. Just know that it is possible to make friends without it and, even though you may feel alone in the beginning of your college career, that doesn't last long. Regardless, whatever it is you're looking for, I hope you find it.

As for me... where one door closes, another one opens.