The dating scene is filled with uniquely modern elements--there's Tinder, Bumble, and countless other dating apps, there's even ChristianMingle. But sometimes the modern ways fall through. Let us turn to the ancient hot singles in your area: the Greek gods. Below find an analysis of Olympic proportions, which of the Greek gods are the most dateable.
Let's get the obvious ones out of the way first. Zeus, the king of the Greek gods, sucks. Sure, he may be good-looking, and he's got a high-paying job, but he is a major player. Zeus is a constant cheater, not to mention the father of some of the most trouble-making kids in mythology. He's the OG "haha and then what ;)" kind of guy.
Hera is the kind of partner who seems solid on paper, but could be too much in real life. She is constantly consumed by jealousy due to Zeus' constant cheating, and when she's not trying to kill his other partners she's competing with her godly family for golden apples. However, she is a loyal and committed person, and is literally the god of marriage, so if you're strong and committed, she might be worth it.
If you go for the surfer boy type, Poseidon could be the guy for you. He tends to be one of the less trouble-making gods, he probably has great hair from all the salt spray, and you can hang out with dolphins whenever you want.
Apollo is literally the god of the sun, so you know he's hot. He's also the god of music, poetry, medicine, and prophecy. Were you to get a prophecy about your relationship with Apollo, it would say something along the lines of "This will end in tragedy, but it doesn't matter because you won't listen." And it's right. You and Apollo would have a passionate, but ultimately tragic time together, maybe cut short by your father turning you into a tree or a jealous god blowing a discus into your forehead.
Dateability: It doesn't exactly matter, does it? Those sparkling blue eyes invalidate my opinion.
Demeter is undeniably one of the most underrated of the Greek gods. She's the god of agriculture, characterized by her fierce loyalty and protective nature. She's a single mother who puts what's important first. If you're ready for something committed, your relationship with Demeter would have incredible potential to grow. Also, god of agriculture means god of grain which means god of bread which means lots of access to bread.
Dude, why? Artemis swore off men, so she doesn't want your company...unless you happen to be a fierce huntress.
Dionysus is a party boy, pure and simple. God of wine, god of partying, god of drama--if you date Dionysus, you know what you're getting into. If all you want is something fun and casual, Dionysus is your man. Otherwise, spare yourself the trouble.
Do you prefer partners with a dark side? Hecate is the goddess of magic, witchcraft, night, the moon, ghosts, and necromancy. She's also intense; you'll never want to get on her bad side.
Dateability: 10/10 if you want that goth gf.
If you clicked on this article, you probably already have a crush on Hades. He's that mysterious, brooding, and secretive man of your dreams (or maybe just your Netflix queue). It doesn't hurt that he has ownership over all the wealth and the earth, and an army of souls at his beck and call. But we have to face the facts: Hades will only ever have eyes for Persephone. As much as that loyalty is part of his appeal, it's also the reason none of us would stand a chance.
Dateability: Sorry, I need a minute.
Like Dionysus, Aphrodite would be very much fun and very little commitment. It doesn't hurt that she's the goddess of beauty, either. But here's the thing: Aphrodite is married. She's just a huge cheater. Even if you're not looking for long-term, you're probably not looking for a cheater either.
Hephaestus is one of the only Greek gods who is canonically ugly. So, that's not great for him, but he does have other positive qualities. He's the god of fire and crafts, and the most skilled blacksmith in the world. He's loyal, a sort of gruffly kind type. But he happens to be the unlucky god married to Aphrodite, so his taste in partners isn't particularly keen.
Nike is the goddess of victory, and it would be a victory indeed if you could score a date with her. She's focused, ambitious, and capable. Realistically, none of us are good enough for her.
Dateability: 9/10, but it won't happen.
Ew, why? Ares is the god of war, do you really want that in one of your relationships? He's also Aphrodite's favorite guy to cheat on Hephaestus with, so that's another situation you'll probably want to avoid.
Athena is the goddess you'll always harbor a secret crush on, but know better than to do anything about it. She is another goddess who swore off relationships, and even if she hadn't, she's too good for you. She's too good for all of us--goddess of courage, law, justice, the arts, mathematics, war strategy, and wisdom--she knows better than to involve herself in dating.
Dateability: We can only sigh over what will never be.
Hermes is the messenger god, the patron of shepherds, athletes, merchants, and thieves, and he'll steal your heart all right. If you tended to get crushes on mischievous characters (Peter Pan, Kaz Brekker, any Newsie) Hermes will be irresistible. My only warning: He's flighty. Literally.
In your life, there can be relationships that sneak up on you. You may not feel an immediate pull to that person, but over time, your mutual bond can grow to levels you never anticipated, until you don't know what your life would like without them. Hestia is the goddess of the hearth. If you love each other kindly, she'll become your home.