Rating The Greek Gods Based Off Their Dateability

Rating The Greek Gods Based Off Their Dateability

There's always going to be Zeuses out there.

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The dating scene is filled with uniquely modern elements--there's Tinder, Bumble, and countless other dating apps, there's even ChristianMingle. But sometimes the modern ways fall through. Let us turn to the ancient hot singles in your area: the Greek gods. Below find an analysis of Olympic proportions, which of the Greek gods are the most dateable.

1. Zeus

https://www.instagram.com/p/BP7Uh_1DK_6/

Let's get the obvious ones out of the way first. Zeus, the king of the Greek gods, sucks. Sure, he may be good-looking, and he's got a high-paying job, but he is a major player. Zeus is a constant cheater, not to mention the father of some of the most trouble-making kids in mythology. He's the OG "haha and then what ;)" kind of guy.

Dateability: 0/10

2. Hera

https://www.instagram.com/p/BnW0o2mBEky/

Hera is the kind of partner who seems solid on paper, but could be too much in real life. She is constantly consumed by jealousy due to Zeus' constant cheating, and when she's not trying to kill his other partners she's competing with her godly family for golden apples. However, she is a loyal and committed person, and is literally the god of marriage, so if you're strong and committed, she might be worth it.

Dateability: 5/10

3. Poseidon

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bk2Cx2fgNs_/

If you go for the surfer boy type, Poseidon could be the guy for you. He tends to be one of the less trouble-making gods, he probably has great hair from all the salt spray, and you can hang out with dolphins whenever you want.

Dateability: 6/10

4. Apollo

https://www.instagram.com/p/BY_0dMWlrN_/

Apollo is literally the god of the sun, so you know he's hot. He's also the god of music, poetry, medicine, and prophecy. Were you to get a prophecy about your relationship with Apollo, it would say something along the lines of "This will end in tragedy, but it doesn't matter because you won't listen." And it's right. You and Apollo would have a passionate, but ultimately tragic time together, maybe cut short by your father turning you into a tree or a jealous god blowing a discus into your forehead.

Dateability: It doesn't exactly matter, does it? Those sparkling blue eyes invalidate my opinion.

5. Demeter

https://www.instagram.com/p/BOYJ_NegUww/

Demeter is undeniably one of the most underrated of the Greek gods. She's the god of agriculture, characterized by her fierce loyalty and protective nature. She's a single mother who puts what's important first. If you're ready for something committed, your relationship with Demeter would have incredible potential to grow. Also, god of agriculture means god of grain which means god of bread which means lots of access to bread.

Dateability: 9/10

6. Artemis

https://www.instagram.com/explore/tags/artemis/

Dude, why? Artemis swore off men, so she doesn't want your company...unless you happen to be a fierce huntress.

Dateability: "0/10"

7. Dionysus

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Dionysus is a party boy, pure and simple. God of wine, god of partying, god of drama--if you date Dionysus, you know what you're getting into. If all you want is something fun and casual, Dionysus is your man. Otherwise, spare yourself the trouble.

Dateability: 6/10

8. Hecate

https://www.instagram.com/p/BumShKFnB7s/

Do you prefer partners with a dark side? Hecate is the goddess of magic, witchcraft, night, the moon, ghosts, and necromancy. She's also intense; you'll never want to get on her bad side.

Dateability: 10/10 if you want that goth gf.

9. Hades

https://www.instagram.com/p/BuSu_qrAgln/

If you clicked on this article, you probably already have a crush on Hades. He's that mysterious, brooding, and secretive man of your dreams (or maybe just your Netflix queue). It doesn't hurt that he has ownership over all the wealth and the earth, and an army of souls at his beck and call. But we have to face the facts: Hades will only ever have eyes for Persephone. As much as that loyalty is part of his appeal, it's also the reason none of us would stand a chance.

Dateability: Sorry, I need a minute.

10. Aphrodite

Like Dionysus, Aphrodite would be very much fun and very little commitment. It doesn't hurt that she's the goddess of beauty, either. But here's the thing: Aphrodite is married. She's just a huge cheater. Even if you're not looking for long-term, you're probably not looking for a cheater either.

Dateability: 2/10

11. Hephaestus

https://twitter.com/search?f=images&q=god%20hephaestus&src=typd

Hephaestus is one of the only Greek gods who is canonically ugly. So, that's not great for him, but he does have other positive qualities. He's the god of fire and crafts, and the most skilled blacksmith in the world. He's loyal, a sort of gruffly kind type. But he happens to be the unlucky god married to Aphrodite, so his taste in partners isn't particularly keen.

Dateability: 5/10

12. Nike

https://www.instagram.com/p/BrvkTZoBTIh/

Nike is the goddess of victory, and it would be a victory indeed if you could score a date with her. She's focused, ambitious, and capable. Realistically, none of us are good enough for her.

Dateability: 9/10, but it won't happen.

13. Ares

https://www.instagram.com/p/BkXkLcGHJIX/

Ew, why? Ares is the god of war, do you really want that in one of your relationships? He's also Aphrodite's favorite guy to cheat on Hephaestus with, so that's another situation you'll probably want to avoid.

Dateability: 1/10

14. Athena

https://www.instagram.com/p/BgnxIgEhY7A/

Athena is the goddess you'll always harbor a secret crush on, but know better than to do anything about it. She is another goddess who swore off relationships, and even if she hadn't, she's too good for you. She's too good for all of us--goddess of courage, law, justice, the arts, mathematics, war strategy, and wisdom--she knows better than to involve herself in dating.

Dateability: We can only sigh over what will never be.

15. Hermes

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bujm-3Sl5C0/

Hermes is the messenger god, the patron of shepherds, athletes, merchants, and thieves, and he'll steal your heart all right. If you tended to get crushes on mischievous characters (Peter Pan, Kaz Brekker, any Newsie) Hermes will be irresistible. My only warning: He's flighty. Literally.

Dateablity: 9/10

16. Hestia

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bokxi51j9il/

In your life, there can be relationships that sneak up on you. You may not feel an immediate pull to that person, but over time, your mutual bond can grow to levels you never anticipated, until you don't know what your life would like without them. Hestia is the goddess of the hearth. If you love each other kindly, she'll become your home.

Dateability: ∞/10

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An Open Letter To My College Freshman Roommate

Be sure to send this to your college freshmen roommate if you love them as much as I love mine!

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Dear College Freshmen Roommate,

To be honest, my first impression of you was a quiet, shy private catholic school girl. (Wow, this couldn't have been the farthest thing from the truth)! I remember walking behind you and your boyfriend on the way to the bars on our very first night of Summer B. I kept thinking how much you didn't like me because you didn't say hi to me. Little did I know, after admitting to each other our unfortunate first impressions of each other years later, you were just being cognizant of me because you thought I was a real-life version of Regina George from Mean Girls. It turns out you weren't the shy, private school girl I thought you were and I definitely wasn't as cool as Regina George after all.

Lexi Garber

It didn't take much time for us to become best friends. You had me at "So, do you know what a mountain melt is from Ale House?" After this day, I knew we were going to be lifelong friends and celebrate our passion for carbs, fast food, and sugar together. You make friendship seem so easy. You're always down to study whenever, leave the library whenever, and most importantly, get Chick-Fil-A no matter what our budget is or how broke we are. You always pick up the phone and support all the bad decisions I make. You ALWAYS figure out all my Wordscape puzzles for me and support my real life Candy Crush addiction.

Lexi Garber

I realize that you give me a slice of home when my mom doesn't answer the phone. I love that we always get to talk about our high school memories together because every story is a new and exciting one for both of us. Sometimes I'm happy we met in college because we would have caused way too much trouble in high school together. Besides, I get to hear about how much of an awesome volleyball player you were and I tell you about crazy my lacrosse years. Although, I will say how much it sucks when we go home for summer and winter break because I do get major separation anxiety!

Lexi Garber

When we go out, you know we're requesting ALL Luke Combs songs and sing until our voices are gone. Whether it be going out to the club, binge-eating, studying at the library, watching the Bachelor in your apartment, going to football tailgates or watching baseball games together, we are ALWAYS laughing. You have this amazing brightness and you only radiate positivity and happiness. I can't wait to see what the rest of college has in store for us. I feel so grateful that I got the chance to meet you and call you one of my true, lifelong best friends. I love you to Infinity (the place where it all began) and Back!

ROOM 416 INFINITY HALL ALWAYS!

Lexi Garber

Forever and Always,

your college freshmen roommate



Lexi Garber



Lexi Garber

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You Can Dislike 'Captain Marvel' And Still Be A Feminist

It's good to watch Captain Marvel. But we don't have to love her.

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When "Wonder Woman" came out in 2017, I got a lot of flak from male friends when they gushed over Gal Gadot (supposedly as her superhero character?) and I didn't overwhelmingly ooze the same sentiments. "You're such a bad feminist!", I was told, for merely thinking the movie was enjoyable and a decently positive step forward rather than a life-changing poster-child feminist movie. There were things I enjoyed, and things I thought the movie could do better—but because I didn't unconditionally love "Wonder Woman," I wasn't really a feminist

Seeing "Captain Marvel" after hearing it lauded for months as a ground-breaking feminist movie, I found myself disappointed again.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the movie. (Every observation here is based on the film alone; I've never read the comics.) The CGI was great, the plot incorporated fun references to the MCU universe that will amuse fans, it had no more plotholes than any average superhero movie, and I did love that the main character was a woman (and a strong supporting character is an African American woman, which is wonderful: let's certainly celebrate the intersectionalism of "Captain Marvel.")

Yes, a MCU superhero who's a woman is ground-breaking—that's great. But it's okay to not unconditionally adore "Captain Marvel." We can have reservations about the movie—or even not like it—and still be a feminist.

In her article "Diamonds in the Rough," Janine Macbeth writes: "Way back in the day when the pickings were slimmer than slim, maybe, just maybe, enjoying a book like "The Five Chinese Brothers" (first published in 1938) was alright. But today […], any book that opens, "Once upon a time there were five Chinese brothers and they all looked exactly alike" is completely unacceptable."

Similarly to feminism in movies: back in the day, when "pickings were slim," it behooved feminists to support any remotely positive female representation in any film. But—even though there's still a discrepancy today—we no longer need to unquestioningly and indiscriminately accept every aspect of a women's representation.

I would posit that it's actually anti-feminist to love everything about a character simply because she's a woman, or everything about a story because it features a female lead. Should we go see the movie to support it? Sure, that's great. Should we be happy we're taking strides forward in female representation? Hell yeah.

But do we need to be happy that half a loaf is better than none? Absolutely not. We can still expect, demand, and yearn for a full loaf. We can support the movie financially as half a loaf if we choose while also acknowledging there are aspects of the film that were lacking and we wish they will be present in the next movie: insisting on, someday, a full loaf.

We don't have to lower our liking-something standards merely because the film highlights women. We don't have to happily embrace every plot-hole and trait we'd ordinarily dislike just because of that.

Case in point, I would love to see more women in political office and I'm thrilled with the current diverse representation in Congress. I love when I get to vote for a woman! But if I ran for office and someone voted for me just because I was a woman, I would be offended. Vote for me for my ideals, my principles, and my policies—be happy that I'm a woman, but don't vote for me just because I'm a woman. That's almost as offensive as not voting for me just because I'm a woman.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter why I didn't fall in love with "Captain Marvel"**. I genuinely do feel "Captain Marvel" let me down as a feminist idol. The point's not whether or not she's an amazing poster-child or a flawed one or even a bad one. The point is that feminists (or, decent humans) shouldn't feel obligated to walk on tiptoes around any valid criticisms merely because she's a woman.

Feminine representation is no longer so fragile that having reservations about a specific film will cause the whole house of cards to come tumbling down and shove women out of films forever. It's not a matter of being a "diamond in the rough": if someone loves "Captain Marvel," they should love her! And if someone doesn't, that's okay too. Feminism is broad and strong enough to encompass both perspectives.

Studios don't necessarily care about all of these nuances, they largely care about money. So sure, if you feel so drawn, go buy a ticket to show that people will watch a movie about a female superhero. However, it's worth noting that no one feels the need to support every male superhero movie out of fear that if we don't support it, studios will stop making male superhero movies. There are enough men represented in superhero movies that there can be crappy movies and amazing movies and people can dislike a particular movie without being accused of being a manhater. No, they don't hate men, they just didn't care for that particular film.

I went to see "Captain Marvel," and I'd see it again (even knowing that I felt a bit disappointed) to support the representation of women in films in general; but I'm disappointed because I expected better: I expect, someday, my full loaf. Maybe next year there will be a female superhero movie that I absolutely love; maybe someday, we won't feel we have to go see a superhero movie just because it features a woman. We can go see it just because it's awesome.

There's a great argument to support movies like "Captain Marvel." But women in movies are not diamonds in the rough anymore. We no longer have to uncritically love all film characters just because they're women. Some people may love her representation, and that's great. And some will not. (A quick Google search shows my disappointment is not unique.) The pickings aren't excessive, but neither are they non-existent. We can appraise Captain Marvel on her merit, not merely unquestioningly accept her just because she is a woman.

**Regarding the reasons: my next article is on what "Captain Marvel" got right…and where it missed the mark.

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