It's been a year. 365 days on this planet without you. I can't really tell you it's been easy because it hasn't.
It's been one of the most challenging times of my life. So challenging that I almost let myself die because of you. I actually genuinely loved you. And you broke me. I'm going to make myself a promise though, a really difficult one... If I don't hear anything from you, I'll never reach back out to you again.
I'll move on and I'll live the life that I was intended to live because I'm way too young to be this hurt. Forever is forever, but sometimes to get that, you need to say goodbye. That's what I have to do. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because I was sad. I pushed everyone away including myself.
I'm at a loss of words on how much pain you've brought me after the breakup. When I was with you, I forgot about my depression and anxiety and I loved you with all that I had left. You numbed my pain and I was living happily ever after. But then... all of it changed by waking up one Sunday morning to one of my worst nightmares — losing you.
But why? Why would you do this to me?
After everything we've been through, why did you give up on me and on us? But the sad part is... that I could never hate you for breaking my heart and even with all the pain you've caused me, I would find myself running back to you because it's always been you. Just you.
We spent five months together and I know that may not seem like a lot to you, but it was forever for me. I fell so deeply in love with you that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to marry you and have kids with you. I remember those times when we went to Chicago and visited the zoo. I told you that we should get every animal at the zoo as a pet. The day we went to Great America for our five-month celebration and you made me go on that Superman ride that I was afraid of. And even the times we've spent on the couch watching a movie and just keeping each other company. Those moments meant a lot to me, and I might've failed to show that but they really did.
I see you've moved on from me, and that you're happier. I'm so happy that you're happy, and that's what love is.
It's not a selfish act. And sometimes, you have to let go of the people you really truly love. For them, and for yourself. I'll always love you, forever and ever. And I'm sorry that I wasn't "good enough" for you to stay. But it's time for me to say goodbye. I always thought that saying goodbye would be the most painful way to solve a problem, and it is. I was right. And maybe someday we'll meet again. I'll be right for you and you'll be right for me.
But for right now, I'm chaos to your thoughts, and you're poison to my heart. And with that being said, I have to let you go. I really wish you the best in life, and I'll always be watching from afar. Goodbye... I hope life treats you well.
Your first love,
Dasha :))
