Ernest Hemingway once wrote, “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”
The first time I read that quote, it was nothing but another depressing quote plastered on a rainy background undoubtedly found on Google images. I never thought that I would one day find myself in those words, as if he had written them uniquely for me.
To love someone is to allow yourself to be completely vulnerable with someone in a way different from anything you may have ever experienced. Experiencing this for the first time heightens that sense of vulnerability, but along with that comes excitement, comfort, and above all a partner. Someone who becomes your teammate in life, who makes you feel as though the past, present and future pains that are, or will be a part of you do not have to be carried on your shoulders alone.
But what happens when those vulnerabilities begin to be used against you? What happens when the one person you thought could carry your heart, and protect it, drops it time and time again? What happens when you realize, one day, that the safety you once felt in a persons arms has been replaced with fear.
“He loves you, can’t you see that? What are you complaining about?” people tell you, when you attempt to find comfort. People you considered your friends, the ones you could lean on in times of need. All the world sees is a charming, happy-go-lucky guy, but behind closed doors only you know what truly lies.
“Cold hearted.” “Thankless.” “Piece of shit.” “What did you expect? “You’re psychotic, you’re absolutely crazy.” “I don’t fuck with you anymore, don’t talk to me.” His words run through your head, and soon enough you begin to believe it. You see how someone who once saw the sun in you can treat you as if you’re worthless, irreplaceable garbage, but you remind yourself that he loves you, or at least he does as much as you’re worthy of love.
So you don’t leave. This is what you think you deserve, and this is the best you think you’ll get. After all, who else would love someone like you? So you lie next to him at night, over and over, crying silently, body shaking, silently screaming for someone to help, for him to wrap his arms around you and say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong. I will never treat you like that again,” and instead he whispers “Why don’t you sniffle a little louder I can’t hear you yet?”
It was my fault. I was asking for attention by crying.
When you find yourself choking, unable to breathe from a panic attack his mocking remarks have thrown you into, you tell yourself to just breathe. You’re being melodramatic.
When you find out he’s been unfaithful to you and he tells you it’s your fault for not providing for him you tell yourself he’s right, I’m not doing my part right. I’m not being woman enough, or pleasant enough that’s why he did it. If I had pleased him he wouldn’t have had to get it elsewhere.
Eventually it becomes too much to handle. Eventually, you don’t recognize the girl you see in the mirror anymore, because she’s nothing like the one you dreamed of growing up of being. Eventually, it becomes time to let go, and find yourself again. Find the little girl inside of you who felt she was a princess, whether or not she had a prince charming to make her feel like one.
Rupi Kaur once wrote, “it felt like you threw me so far from myself, ive been trying to find my way back ever since.” Finding your way back is never easy, but the lessons you learn along the way will shape you to become the woman you were always meant to be. Recovering from a relationship like that is a process, one which will never successfully start with anyone’s encouragement but your own.
It’s time to be your own superhero. To give yourself everything deep down you know you deserve, but have relinquished to someone for far too long. After all, you are special too.
