I’m in love with her.

From the way she thinks everything I do is hilarious to her tiny little feet that I love kissing so much. She brought me so much light into my life during a time I wanted everything to shut down. How is it that someone can cause so much joy and have no idea of their impact?

During my sister’s pregnancy, I was more scared than she was. She was so calm and collected because she already knew how to raise a child because at the age of six, she took the responsibility of raising me. The anxiety I felt every night kept me up thinking, “She has a clean slate, we cannot mess this up for her.” I was terrified of the childhood she would have and prayed it was not as scarring as my sister’s and mine. I wanted everything to be perfect for her and I hated that I did not know how to give it to her. However, once I saw her little face, this overwhelming feeling came upon me, this new type of love I never experienced before.

I joke around and tell people that I’m scared I’m never going to love anyone else the way I love her. I look at her and nothing can be more rewarding than having her smile back. She has no cognitive thinking and no traumatic events have happened in her life, all she knows how to do is be happy. She does not know sadness, maybe frustration, but only when my mom does not allow her to play with the Tupperware in the kitchen.

But still, I’m scared.

I’m scared for the first time she has her period, the million and one questions she will have about her body. I’m scared for her first heartbreak, and I think about the words I will use to reassure her that time heals all wounds. I’m scared for her first frat party, I don’t want her to learn the hard way about how too much is too much. But I think all I can be is scared... because life does not directly prepare us for these situations and I can only do so much to protect her.

I guess this is how our parents often feel and I can only imagine the anxiety they felt as they dropped us off on our first day of kindergarten, as they saw us graduate from high school, and finally as they waved goodbye on move-in day.

Everyone tells me that once I have my own children I will feel this way again, but I disagree. My niece is my first daughter, just as I was my sister’s first daughter. Does anyone else feel this type of love for their niece? This sense of obligation to be a better person just so she can grow up with someone/something to look up to?

I am forever grateful that this little human changed my life the way she did, because now I am cautious about the decisions I make and think about how it will affect not just my life but hers as well. I am certain I'll never love anyone else the same way.