At some point in each person’s life, they are bound to come across a toxic relationship. This could mean either witnessing a friend or a loved one in a toxic relationship, or being in one firsthand. As I've gotten older, I've been able to reflect on my current and past friendships. Here are some warning signs that you may have a toxic friend:
1. They’re only there when it benefits themselves
A toxic friend will turn you into what I like to call a "back-burner" or "sideline" friend. They like to be around you when they don't have someone "better" to be with. Oftentimes, they'll go to you when they are in crisis mode. You'll see them when they have just gone through a breakup or have recently gotten into an argument with someone close to them. Of course, a large part of being a good friend is being supportive of the other person in times of need. But there is a problem when those times of need are the only times you see or hear from that other person.
2. They make it seem like you have a choice (when really, you’re being manipulated)
This is a key feature in toxic friends. You'll be presented with options, only to realize later down the road that you were influenced to choose one option in order to fit in or feel a sense of belonging among these friends. These kinds of choices often involve things that are usually unknown to you. You're put in a compromising situation. Later on when you have regrets, they'll defend themselves by saying "you made the choice." It is important to understand that heavy persuasion is a sign of a toxic friend and that this kind of manipulation is unhealthy and sometimes even abusive.
3. They change you
Have your closest friends or family mentioned to you that "you've changed," and not for the better? Toxic friends can temporarily transform you into someone you're not. At first, you'll get irritated with your family and friends for accusing you of changing. You'll do things that are out of character. You may even compromise your morals for this new persona you've adapted. Know that your true self is not lost. When you realize that you are being changed by a toxic friend, you have the power to rediscover and refine who you really are.
4. They mooch off you
Toxic friends make a habit of taking things from you and never giving anything back in return. At first, these things may not seem obvious. They'll take your time, your energy and your happiness and give no positive energy back to you in return. Something invisible to the naked eye like positive energy needs to be reciprocated in a relationship. Again, there will be times where one person is feeling down and will need a pick-me-up from the other. But when you feel constantly drained, you've most likely encountered a toxic friend. Toxic friends will take what they can from you. It could be your money, your car, etc. it's important to be a giving person and to care for your friends. But you should feel that same love coming back to you. A one sided friendship is a toxic one.
5. They treat you like a lesser sidekick
When you're around this person, you shrink yourself. This toxic trait comes out the most when you are in a group of people. The toxic friends will regard you the least. They won't try to incorporate you in any conversation and they'll ignore your attempts to be involved in the group. When you're around this kind of toxic friend, you may start to feel invisible. You are worth so much more than someone's sidekick. You are your own person and you should be regarded as such.
6. They don’t listen
Listening is such an important part of any healthy friendship. If someone isn't listening to you, they're not worth your time. Sometimes, a toxic friend will ignore your fears and put you in scary situations. Other times, toxic friends will assume things about you that end up not being true, simply because they didn't care enough to listen. Your time and your words are valuable. Anyone that does not treat your words and your time with the utmost respect is not a good friend.
7. They use you for their entertainment
You may find yourself in a situation you usually wouldn't. Your "friends" have convinced you to do something out of character. Perhaps even something dangerous. In the end, they're proud of themselves for "corrupting" you. You were there for their entertainment because you've been manipulated to do whatever they say. You want to belong, so you do what it takes. It can be hard to recognize when you've been used for someone's entertainment. Sometimes you're led to believe it was in your best interest. To push you outside of your comfort zone. If something feels wrong, listen to your gut. A true friend won't make you do something you're uncomfortable with. A close friend should know what is and what isn't in your character. Don't compromise your values for someone else's entertainment. You are interesting enough just being you.
8. They turn you against yourself
This is probably one of the hardest aspects of a toxic friendship to recognize. When someone else influences you and changes you, you may become more critical of yourself. You may get mad at yourself for not being like this other person or for not being what this other person says you should be. You friends should build you up and make you feel comfortable with yourself. Anyone who's words tear you down or negatively influence your relationship with yourself is toxic. Remember to find your own voice and to find people who build you up.
What I've learned about toxic friends has taught me how to recognize positive relationships. I've learned what kind of friends I deserve and to appreciate the good and positive people in my life. In addition, I learned how to reflect on how I treat others. I'm not perfect. I'm working on myself everyday. The last thing I want to be to someone else is toxic. By learning how to recognize a toxic friend, I've learned what I need to avoid doing in order to be a good friend.
If I could take back all the toxic friends I've had, I wouldn't. I believe that everyone crosses paths for a reason. I've learned that I deserve kind, uplifting friends. I've learned that in order to gain positive friends, I need to be a positive friend. I need to treat myself and others the opposite of how toxic friends have treated me.
You are worth being around good people. You deserve to have positive friends. You deserve to be a positive friend to yourself and it is your responsibility to be a positive friend to others.
