Most people I know have either believed in God for most; if not all their life, or they have not. You would think that just about everyone who believes in God has had such a strong connection with him for many years. However, this has not been the case for me. My relationship with God has been very up and down, yet I am somewhat grateful for this journey as it has helped me realize how wonderful God truly is.

As a kid, I grew up in a Roman Catholic household. I had a bible, I was baptized, I attended catechism, and I had a first communion. As a child, I never questioned God. I was taught that he was the creator of all things, and that we always followed God's word. I believed that all good people go to heaven and become angels when they die. This was especially true when my Grandpa passed, since he died when I was young. I was always told that I never had to worry because my guardian angel; aka my Grandpa, was always watching me. For many years, this was all the stuff I believed.

It wasn't until I got to middle school when some of my thoughts started to change. During my time in middle school, I started to really enjoy any class that had to do with science. It was in those science classes where I started to really learn about how basic organisms were created, and how many things on earth were supposedly created too. In my head, I privately started to become a little skeptical of what I've been taught in Catholicism. I personally wasn't sure how both science and God could create the earth, and even though I'd grown up with God, I really wanted to believe in science.

A lot of this continued into high school, with myself still believing more in science then God. It wasn't until my sophomore year when I started to deal with a lot of mental health issues. I had bad anxiety and depression too, and it brought me to a low point in life. During those times, I tried to pray to God, yet unlike when I was younger, I just felt he wasn't there. After months of battling with mental illnesses; I got better, but I ultimately decided to stop believing in God. Why did I do it? I was angry, and I was also hurt. Why wasn't the God I've looked up to all of my life suddenly not there? I'd told myself I gave up God for good and just stick with science

However, after a few months of being an atheist, I still felt like something was missing from my life. It's hard to describe how I felt, but the best way would be that I felt like I didn't fully feel comforted and protected. After some self reflection, I realized that I missed believing in God. So I tried to start praying again, but I had honestly stopped being able to comfortably pray. I had wondered if maybe this was a sign God didn't want me, but I didn't want to give up. I ended up contacting a good friend of mine and told her everything and that I wanted to start believing again. For a few months she was able to help me with trying to believe in God. After some time, I felt more comfortable with trying to talk to God, so I decided to continue the journey on my own.

To make a long story short, it has taken me years to completely believe in God again. Even after I started believing again, I still struggled with conflicting thoughts on how all of this could be real. I also struggled with the idea of religion, because personally I had started to resent some of the ideas of being in a religion. But with a ton of patience and a lot of time talking and praying to God, I have been able to develop a strong connection with him.

Today, I do believe that God is with me and that he is taking good care of me. I am able to go to him whenever I need too, and praying gives me so much comfort. While I believe 100% in God, I have chosen not to associate myself with a certain religion, but rather to be open with what every religion teaches us. I still read the Bible daily, yet I personally believe not to agree with everything that is said in it. There are many things I could list, but one example is that I believe homosexuality isn't a sin, and God would want us to be with whoever as long as we're happy. For me, being able to control how I want to talk to and believe in God makes me happy. With this balance I can still also appreciate science and what it has done with our planet as well.

Like I said, my journey with God has been anything but straightforward. But if there is something I've learned, it's that God is there for me, and that with him anything is possible in life.