It's that time of year again. Skies are blue, birds are chirping, the temperature has remained above freezing for more than a day or two in a row, and you are craving change. You want to wear shorts, but to be totally honest it's still a little too cold out most days for that, and anyways your legs haven't seen the light of day since September, and they're still scattered with bruises from various spring break high jinks. You want to buy cool new sunglasses and maybe that little purse shaped like a pineapple you saw on the ASOS website, but you barely even have money for the occasional iced coffee (with your high school friend's employee discount) so those aren't really on the table either. What's a restless, impulsive gal to do? It's a question as old as the springtime (which, if you live your life by the lunar calendar, like a true messy 21st-century pseudo-hippie/me, officially started this weekend) itself.
Have no fear, however, because the answer is here: the $0 makeover! Change everything about yourself without exchanging currency for goods and services — truly the dream of the penniless millennial!
1. Smile more
"Smile baby! You're so pretty!" It's a cat-caller go-to and it's infuriating, because nothing makes you want to smile less than unwanted sexual attention at four in the afternoon from a guy on a hoverboard. But when it's a decision you've consciously made for yourself it can be super empowering. Even when you're in a garbage-y mood, it can make things marginally better to smirk instead of scowl. While a scowl says "I'm having a rough day and I kinda hate everything right now," a smirk says "I have a secret or maybe I just thought of something really funny that happened earlier, either way I am putting positive energy out there as opposed to negative and I seem fun and interesting."
2. Cut your own bangs
2 a.m. bathroom bangs are a low/high moment in every woman's (and, hey, quite a few guy's) life. If they have not happened to you yet, just wait, they will. It doesn't necessarily have to be bangs, but there's nothing like an impulsive hair decision made by only you and executed by only you to make a lady feel powerful. And hey, you might regret it in a few weeks or a few days or ever a few seconds, and then you'll have to handle the hairdo re-con all by yourself too. Even then, it's reassuring to assert your own potential, even if you end up less than happy with the results.
3. Drink lots of water
Water is so good for you. I mean, duh. It's great for your skin, for your digestion, and for staying off dehydration headaches (which, in this writer's personal opinion, are by far the most common flavor of headache.) Also, drinking a ton of water throughout the course of the day necessitates carrying a ton of water with you throughout the course of day. Sure, you could refill your reusable water bottle several times a day, or you could be The Girl With The Jug. A girl I went to high school with used to carry a one-gallon jug of Poland Springs water with her to class, which is not only a great hydration strategy and an effective upper body workout, but also an amazing conversation starter. As a general rule (with a few exceptions) the person carrying
4. Sustain a mild injury
This past week, I tore up the three of the knuckles (I think technically it's the "second knuckle?" I'm not sure, fingers are weird) on my right hand pretty bad on a bottle cap. It doesn't hurt, but it's not very pretty to look at. I tried bandaids, but they rendered the three most important fingers on my dominant hand semi-immobile so they had to go. As I wait patiently for the scrapes to heal, I've noticed that every time I've gone to pay at a register of any type, the cashier has stared at my fingers and on a couple of occasions I've been straight-up asked what happened. This is a great opportunity (which I have yet to take up) to lie and invent a much more interesting background story. A readily noticeable ouchy is a great way render a bland look immediately interesting and conversation-worthy, if that's something you're into.
5. Leave your eyebrows alone
Do you do your eyebrows? Do you pay someone else to do your eyebrows for you? Stop. Not forever, just a month or so to start with. Get re-acquainted with what your brows naturally look like, it's less scary than it sounds.
6. Hang out with pretty people
My favorite strategy for tricking strangers into thinking I'm cuter than I actually am is to hang out semi-exclusively with girls who are a billions of times prettier/smarter/more interesting than me. Many of my close friends are well-read as heck, good at impressions and dress like characters from Scream Queens. This fools people into assuming that I too am well-dressed and literate. Jokes on them though, because a few weeks ago I went to class with a pair of panties hanging out of the hem of my elephant pants.
7. Try to sleep
Yeah yeah yeah, sleep is good for your skin. Sleep is good for your hair. Sleep is good for your mental health. We've all heard it, we all know it's true, but that doesn't make it any easier to follow through on. Well, a magnificently reassuring little factoid is that a lot of those benefits are still there (though, albeit, to a lesser extent) when you're even just trying to sleep. So the next time you're feeling miles away from sleep, maybe spend ten more minutes lying still in the darkness before you pull your laptop back out to look at Ted Cruz memes.
