I think we all know that in today's society, a lot of people fantasize having big boobs, big lips, and big butts in order to feel accepted. Let's face it, some of us were blessed with one, some with the other, some with both, and others who have none.
I was "fortunately blessed" with big boobs (well, not really if you've read my article) but don't get it twisted. There's just one problem: I DON'T HAVE ANY ASS!
Especially in 2019, big butts are always fetishized throughout the media. I am all for body positivity, but I would at least like to have something to work with.
We are always told that in order to have a big butt, we either have to do squats or just hope our genetics do a complete 180. FIRST OF ALL, squats are a form of false advertisement and need to be explained correctly. I'm pretty sure I've been doing squats for like 5-years straight and my booty is flatter than an Aunt Jemima pancake.
I've been noticing a lot of "X signs you have a big butt" articles and you know what? Why don't I rant about my small ass?
And no, this isn't an article to whine or complain. However, all of my flat booty girls get what I'm trying to say. And to those who want to understand, having a flat butt is honestly a struggle and let me tell you why:
1. Your full-body selfies consist of you breaking your whole back just for that little cheek to pop out
I convinced myself that I am going to have back/hip problems by 60 for FORCING this arch. Bending that back for a three-second picture takes some SKILL, honey! It's funny posting a picture of your side butt when it's really just thigh meat.
2. Or using the "sink" method if you're desperate
If you didn't go through this phase in 2009-2016, was your butt ever flat? But the outcomes did some JUSTICE and everyone thought your butt grew over night.
3. Squats are a damn LIAR
Like I said earlier, there is NO reason why my butt still looks like a flat pavement. Life just isn't fair. Squats actually make your glutes more defined, not bigger, guys! Had to learn that the hard way.
4. Getting your a** slapped by bae, but it feels like slapping a hard frying pan
Don't laugh, this is actually pretty upsetting. The funny part is that he probably hurt his hand because he touched a hard surface. Oops.
5. Having multiple screenshots of "how to make your butt bigger" workouts in your camera roll...
And then NEVER actually looking at them...
6. When it's time to throw it back in the club but there isn't anything to throw.
Especially when the right song hits. Yeah, guess you have to sit this one out...AGAIN! You're throwing air at this point, just wait for a slow song sis!
7. Twerking? The hell is that?
Somehow, I manage to do the funky chicken at college parties and it does no justice. Or it looks like I have a wedgie. Once again, it's probably best you sit this one out, girl.
8. Asking people if they prefer "butt" or "boobs" and they say "butts" with no hesitation.
YOU GET WHAT YOU GET AND YOU DON'T GET UPSET!
9. Not being able to wear certain outfits because they look wrong
You ladies know what I mean! Everything looks good, but then your flat shape ruins the whole look. I guess I'm not going out tonight.
11. Shopping for a bikini bottom is actually a nightmare. Just thinking about it makes you want to do whatever this lady is doing
Buying a bikini is a nightmare. That's why you have to buy different bikini bottoms from the top part because it's just NEVER going to work out. And the worst part, they don't even stay in place...
12. Being the #PancakeBooty friend
Having a pancake booty is something you don't want to be called. Having an Aunt Jemima pancake booty has its perks sometimes. I mean, a lot of people like sitting next to me in the car because my butt doesn't take up too much space.
13. You have thought about calling Dr. Miami to get a BBL (or any butt surgery)
Even though my pockets are full of empty promises, it's always nice to give it a thought! Would my life be better if I had a big butt? Only a broke girl can dream. In the meantime, I guess it's time to just stick to the gym and do hopeless squats and lunges...and probably stuffing your pants.
14. Wearing a waist trainer or butt-pad...A LOT
Even though waist trainers aren't the best method, they actually took some inches off my waist. They're not just for show, people. But back in 2015, a lot of people were wearing them to make their waists slim and have an illusion of a butt. But trust me, there's safer ways to do this...still a pointer.
15. Constantly asking your friends, "Does this make my butt look big?"
I can't go to a function if my butt is flatter than a table top. I just CAN'T. I won't allow it. So yes, I have to ask my friends before I go out before I end up on someone's snapchat story.
16. Enjoying food from the refrigerator but you didn't intend to be shaped like one.
I had to fully accept the fact I am shaped like a rectangular prism and if someone actually likes me, it will only be for my personality (which is fire, by the way).
17. Telling people you have "NoAssAtAll" Syndrome and they actually believe you.
It's funny because if you say it really fast, people will think you're serious until you start laughing and giving it away.
18. Asking your big booty friends for advice and they say "I eat my rice and cabbage sis," except when you eat it, it goes straight to your stomach.
The only time I ever gain weight in my butt, it goes everywhere else too so it doesn't matter. Is there something in the rice and cabbage? Is genetics the one I have to be mad at?
19. Not being able to participate in your favorite twerk songs because you'll look like a cockroach after being sprayed with Raid
Trust me, it's not a good look. Only thing moving is your BACK. People will think you're Tina from Bob's Burgers.
20. That feeling your stomach possibly sticks out more than your ass.
Oh, that's how you know... It's like "hey are you preg---" NO ABSOLUTELY NOT LEAVE ME ALONE!
21. When the DJ shouts "where all of my big booty h*es at?" and everyone starts screaming except for you
I have a big booty in spirit. I just left my ass at home.
22. Sitting on someone's lap and you're actually HURTING them...and possibly yourself.
If it hurts to sit down, just get up. Nothing hurts more than your significant other saying, "It feels like a board."
23. Not being able to ride a bike for more than 30 seconds because it hurts your crotch like crazy.
I can't even tell you when was the last time I rode a bike. I mean, have you SEEN the shape of a bicycle seat? You can't walk for days. I can't do it, I just CAN'T.
24. Even though you were cursed with a flat booty, you don't care because you're still amazing and you can pull guys/girls any day!
As much as I dream of having a bigger butt, life is good and you shouldn't feel bad about having a flat booty. It's 2019, embrace it! Listen, if you want to twerk your back out, just do it. As much as I would like to cry, I learned to care less because it's not going to stop me from living my best butt-less life!
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