I know how you feel. I cannot remember feeling welcomed at my father's house and I am pretty sure he knew it. I grew up with the every-other-weekend visitation court sentence. I think I stopped going around age ten, and just stayed at home instead. I felt safe at home, unlike at his house. I actually spent the night with my grandmother across the road, and we went to his house together for about an hour or two, for around five to six years.
I was never happy going over there. It wasn't too big of a deal to me until all my friends went to the Father-Daughter Dance, and I couldn't. I felt sad and embarrassed. However, in middle school, you begin to realize what actually happened. He left you. He walked out on you. He decided that alcohol was more important than his only daughter.
Maybe the pain is still there. You feel hurt. You feel betrayed. You worry about everything around you. You worry about who is going to walk you down the aisle when you get married. You worry about your kids not getting to know both of their grandparents like you did. You may even feel like it is your fault that your father left you.
Guess what? It's not. It is not even partially your fault. It is his. Maybe he wasn't up to the challenge of raising you, but that's his loss.
You were a young girl who wanted two parents, and there is nothing wrong with that.
However, you are stronger because you were raised by a single parent. Your mom worked long and hard hours trying to provide for you and trying to fill the hole he left in your life, and probably still does. You learned everything from your mom, who is a strong, hardworking, independent woman and you receive those lovely qualities as well. Even though your biological father was not there for you, there were other people who were, and honestly, that is probably for the better.
You are a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman, and no one can take that from you. You are not alone. There are many other girls out there, who are going through this with you. You are perfect just the way you are - if someone can't see that, kick them to the curb. You do not need someone like that in your life anyway.
Please do not ever think that you are not good enough or that none of your future relationships will ever work out. Do not push everyone out of your life once they cross that wall you put up. Do not let anyone take your happiness away. You will be okay, I promise. Just believe that everything happens for a reason, and one day you will know why all of this happened to you. For now, love on the ones you have in your life, and don't look back.
