I am my own worst critic, that is no secret to anyone who knows me. I tend to live in my own little world where I am someone who is completely different from myself. I try to be more confident in myself, yet wind up being a girl I never wanted to be. I forget that I have accomplishments, a family that loves me, and a sense of humor that should make me proud of myself. Sadly, I focus on my negative qualities way too much because I have such high standards of who I want to be.
Growing up, I did have trouble in school and lacked the social skills others my age always had. I mostly stuck to my core close friends and kept to myself. My imagination always gets the best of me since I am constantly envisioning a different life as if I were in a movie. I want to be someone else a lot of the time, which gives me the drive and motivation to get better.
However, that same drive is what makes me paranoid and continue becoming my worst enemy. I remember all the criticism I got throughout my life from teachers or tutors that made me down on myself in the first place. From getting in trouble for making a face I did not know I was making, using glue when I was supposed to use tap, getting in trouble for fast walking in the hall, and coloring in my assignment notebook during study hall, I dwell on times I got in trouble when I should not and try not to make the same mistakes. I even refuse to get up for a tissue in class because I remember a girl in my choir class who got lectured for blowing her nose when the teacher was talking.
With my friends, I either talk too much or not enough, which also come from insecurity. The reason why I am so hard on myself about keeping friends is because I remember times when I lost friends in the past, and it was not because I did anything, but because people grow apart. I remember going from an outspoken child to a child who spent a lot of time alone because I felt no one liked me. I remember thinking my neighbors did not like me anymore so I stayed away until years later I realized it was all in my head. I have gotten complaints about talking too much about stuff no one knows about as well as stressing out about school and other things that should not bother me.
A huge reason I am hard on myself is because for the first time I am alone. All my life I had my parents and teachers motivating me to do well in school. I always cared about school, yet not to the extent I do now. There were times I would work with a tutor and not have any work done because I wanted to take the easy way out. There were even more times when I was proud of myself, yet a teacher would find a way to make me feel like a failure because I did not work as hard as I thought I did. Having a learning disability, which hardly noticed, does have a lot to do with my insecurity as well. I have had times when I would study really hard for a test and fail with a teacher saying I need to study more. That would always break me down because I do not want others to think I am lazy and do not try. Luckily, my parents are proud of me for trying even when I do not do as well as I wanted.
The one good thing about me is that I always find hope in other people. I believe others will succeed their goals and I cheer them on. I may be hard on myself, but I am never hard on anyone else because I believe they have potential. I do not want to see other people make the same mistake of letting memories from being a child get in the way of succeeding now.
I just want to make people in my life proud of me and see me as more than a goofy movie buff who stresses too much. In my dream world, I have more control. As long as I continue to work hard and work on my negative qualities, I know I will become the girl I always wanted to be.
