So we meet again..

Just like every morning when I push my glasses back and glance up from my daily face scrub. Instantly, leaning back down pretending that I didn't see you staring at me, telling me to "wash my face again" because I "missed a spot" or "spots". I've never felt this way before, hating myself for simply living how I wanted to.

I've never had a problem with my appearance, for I could care less how other saw me physically. I cared about myself because I felt as if I could peel off my skin one by one and be left with absolutely nothing inside. Dull to the core- feeling numb more than I could feel anything. Incapable of being loved, incapable of getting out of bed and doing something with my pathetic life.

I really wish I could blame someone for the way I was feeling for the past year. I really wish I could pile this on someone and scream at them telling them that it was their fault that I was "like this" But I couldn't, I was left every night with the same damn black face mask on breaking down for what seemed like it could be the thousandth time today, telling that blonde girl in the mirror that it was her fault that I was "like this".

I can't explain to you when this started because I feel like I've been this way ever since I knew how to speak. I say speak because, whenever I spoke to someone I would walk away and over think- to the point where I would end in hyperventilation because I swore I said something "stupid" and that I'm some sort of "bitch". It hurt- constantly letting this person I knew so well, but didn't know at all hurt me so bad- so bad to where I laid in bed avoid contact with anyone else because I was scared to "screw up".

But I wasn't going to let that person win- not anymore.

Self-Love: regard for one's own well-being and happiness

What I needed to start doing- loving myself the imperfections, the silly things that came out of my mouth, and the way I treated others, as they treated me. Loving that girl in the mirror and filling myself with SELF LOVE so when I did peel back my skin- I loved the beautiful soul that filled it.

I think the biggest battle you fight is within yourself, not with other people. Loving yourself is such a hard thing to do when you constantly are being told by this shitty society that it's not ok. That it's not OK to post selfies on your Instagram, snap chat, twitter and facebook. That it's not OK to put make up on for yourself because it's what makes you feel happy because you love doing it. That it's not OK to take a mental health day because you're feeling pretty down that day. And most importantly to talk to someone about what has been going on.

Being able to look at yourself and fall in love with YOU is such a hard process. But as an individual is slowly continuing my journey to get out of bed, take a walk, jog, run and be happy with the person that came out of it.

Realizing self-worth is a huge step in recovering from yourself. I will no longer let that girl take over the women I once loved.