On a chilly day during sixth-grade science class, the school heater was blasting heat against the back of my tracksuit. I wore that black and white tracksuit at least a couple of times each week because my mother—unfortunately—let me dress myself. Sometimes, I wished that she would have dressed me every morning in some cute get-up with frilly edges and bows; perhaps there would have been fewer whispers behind my back. The boy that I'd had a crush on since the first day of school was sitting a few seats away from me with his football friends. It seemed like your typical teenage movie plot; quiet, nerdy girl falls for arrogant football player. Except this plot would not play out like the movies, and the nerdy girl would not get the boy. Instead, she would be made fun of and laughed at in front of the entire class because he knew that she liked him and wanted to humiliate her. Apparently, my tracksuit was a running joke among my classmates, and the fact that nerdy tracksuit girl had a crush on a cute football player was amusing.
Skip to a couple of years later: I am dating a boy my age over the internet and keeping it a secret from everyone in my life. I say dating loosely, as it was, in reality, just talking and pretending to be in love just so that I could say I finally had a boyfriend. All of the girls around me were dating, but they were pretty, and I was average. Evidently, the only way that I could get a guy was through a computer screen in an unrealistic relationship. It was not anything like normal online dating where you have plans to meet the person, but he made me feel special. I was no longer nerdy tracksuit girl anymore. I became attached to him and his constant reassurances that there was no one like me—that I was no longer average. When we stopped talking years later, it became a challenge to look at myself in the mirror. He had made me feel a certain kind of confidence that I thought I could not feel on my own, and I struggled with loving myself even more than before.
For quite some time I was not sleeping very well and would stay at home for days. I was slipping into a mild depression, and something had to change. I hit a breaking point and realized that I had to find my beauty and strength without wanting a boy to amplify it. While I was feeling worthless, I started writing stories and with each passing day I became better and better. All of my life, I had seen television shows where girls depended on boys—where their life purpose was to find a boyfriend—and I realized that I was led the wrong way by the media. I was made to feel like nerdy tracksuit girl could never be beautiful or creative or anything other than average. But, here I was, doing something spectacular without needing anyone's reassurance.
Now, at 23 years old, people have stopped asking when I am going to start dating. I have shown them that I don't need someone to be an honor student or to be a writer or to get a degree. Maybe one day I will fall in love, but I am not going to force myself to look just because society says that I need to find someone before I am 30 years old. Marriage is not the only option in a woman's life and finding love is not my only purpose. Unlike before, I am deciding for myself and allowing the girl who was embarrassed in sixth-grade science class to be strong all on her own.
When will girls stop being told that they need a boyfriend to be complete? When will we start making girls feel like they are beautiful, no matter what any arrogant boy says to them? I thought I was defective for a majority of my young life due to the things that were drilled into my head about girls needing a boy's approval to feel worthy. If I could ever talk about a regret in my life, it would be the fact that it took me so long to come to terms with my uniqueness and my worth.
A tiny piece of advice that I will give women out there who are still struggling with finding self-love is to focus first. It sounds incredibly cliche, but it is a complete truth. Find a passion and run with it because once you start doing something you love, the path to discovering why you are so unique will be much clearer. It won't always be easy or perfect, but if you concentrate on the things that you love and set goals for your future, you will get there with time. With a bit of hard work and self-discovery, your broken confidence will mend and strengthen. Your bond with yourself will become unbreakable.
Always remember—you are radiant and worthy, you can achieve your dreams without the help of others, and you can be anything you set your mind to.
